xor eax, eax

This was the first poetry i ever wrote. This post is dedicated to a very charming, magical, lovely creature, which am blessed to have in my life. However, to keep the identity private, the last stanza is removed from this post …

February 14th, 2008

She is a friend when i need her to be ..
Whenever i look at her she amazes me ..
The song she sings, the way she walks ..
Surprises me with her silly talks ..

The purity she holds at heart ..
Yet her questions, at times are like a dart ..
But the way she judges ..
She holds no grudges ..
She is the best in whatever she does …
Wins quietely over all the fuss ..

Her innocence ..her pretty looks ..
at the time when she reads the books ..
The way she smiles .. the way she ll giggle ..
I notice how her earrings jiggle ..

When i irritate her, she takes a pause..
Then scratches me with her big paws ..
And scratches me so badly ..
I ll question her if the intentions are deadly .
She then beats me up with the pillows ..
I thank god, in our house we have no willows ..
And when i just look at her with a silent gaze ..
She ll caress my cheeks with a sweet face ..

Last year in the month of June ..
The first time she taught me how to sing a tune ..
Now whenever we meet, we miss no chance ..
To talk, enjoy, sing and dance ..

While crossing the road you ll see the twist..
On my hand, the sudden clench of her fist…
Dunno about her but i feel secure ..
It gives me all the strength to endure ..
To achieve all, we ever lack ..
The power to fight back ..

What scares me is when she is upset ..
The gloomy look, the question mark ..
Almost everything before me turns to dark ..
N when i say ‘it ll be fine’ …
She ll question me for the second time ..

She ll hop here and there, fly like a bird ..
We can talk for long without saying a word ..
The quizzical stare in her crystal black eyes ..
It makes me feel the world is a paradise..

The way she cares, the way she ll nurture ..
When she talks to a doctor u ll find her mother …

I treasure the moments together we spend ..
It makes me feel strong to make laws bend ..
She is so pure like the crimson loose-strife..
Am blessed to have her in my life ..

She listens to me without offence ..
And takes all my nonsense ..
I care for you and i love u re ..
I miss u so much everyday ..

The zeal, the confidence she has in her ..
She is so magical, she is so dear ..
It will never end if i describe her ..
it will never end if i describe her ..

I have noticed that I have many interests, and I m rarely dedicated to them, so almost all the time I tend to be outsider almost everywhere. I like to meet people, I like to talk but am more of a hobbyist in the jungle of serious folks, be it technokrafts, enterepreneurs or enthusiasts. “Err .. conferences .. new one.. yes yes may be u ll find me there”. However, at the same time, am one lazy bugger who wont move an inch unless there is a dire need for it. Almost all the time this ends up with me being a victim to the eleventh hour battles. Poor me …;)

Though at times, the rush of adrenalin makes me do work at a faster rate than people can imagine and “I guess thats ma USP”. And Yes, at times am unpredictable, but almost all the time I try to learn, percieve and judge people whom I meet.

“Am sure everyone does that ;). .. every now and then ..“

So, in most conferences, I get to meet lots of ppl, ppl whom I had previously only known through the cables wires or the wifi connectivity. And believe me none of them are disappointing. “Lol .. may be I am to many. ”

So in most conferences, we see people wearing name tags so that’s of some help incase I don’t remember em or know them at all. Oh did I tell you, am not so good with faces.

It so happened that I was speaking at one of such conferences, when a not so familiar face caught my attention. It was a lovely lady, gazing at me, continously. Now this participant was not so particularly unique but became the focus of my attention throughout my talk, for her hungry stare. This happened because, she didnt took her eyes off my face. Even after the talk, while I was in the question - answer session, she kept me watching hungrily. It was strange, but I loved it. Infact her concentration and fascination made me forget some very important comments I was supposed to make.

So, right after my talk, I started looking out for this new acquaintance in the crowd, who enthralled me with her hungry eyes. Mine was the last session before tea so people were moving haphazardly, here and there, in flocks.

I found my admirer loittering around in the corridor. I cant describe how excited I was to meet her in person. I rushed near the door and confronted her.

“Excuse me “ – I said.

She didn’t make a move. I said it again “Excuse me madam”. A bit firmer this time.

She turned back, and looked at me. I could notice the surprise on her face. I was speechless. I mumbled some words thanking her for the appreciation to attend my session. I was waiting for her to ask me something. Something about the session.

“Did u get something out of my session” – I blabbered.

“Eh well .. not really, I couldn’t get you” – she said.

It was almost like I was thrown from the topmost floor of the building.

She continued. “Well .. actually I had difficulty understanding you.”

“… err ..You see I forgot to bring my hearing aid” – she said.

I could take it no more. I almost thought I captivated her with my words. Lol. My heart was still thumping harder.

I spoke to myself “So she kept her eyes glued to me because she wanted to interpret my lips.. ”.

Ah well, Whatever it was, this eye contact gave me immense pleasure and satisfaction and inspired me to talk that session out with full confidence. I was so tired.

I asked her for a coffee and narrated her what my whole session was all about. Oh btw, did I tell you she was twice my age and was a veteran journalist. We made good friends after that. And talked of what not. From society to culture, from economy to battles. It was so educating. I also found out that she had a son almost my age, residing in the U S of A. I found her amazing all throughout and I guess that was a very natural feeling which could happen to anybody who met her. I was her fan.

So Powerful conviction was of those beautiful eyes, I still cant forget that gaze.

Last night I got a message that she is no more. She died of cancer.

Every moment in life is a miracle, as well as a mystery. I could feel it when she said, “Our mind and our heart is like a sieve, we need to do away with what we hold, shed what we have access to, to make room for whats in the making.” For me, I have always treasured moments which I have lived. Be it good or bad, sweet or sour, any experience, with whom I loved, is something which I have always treasured. An angry stern look, a warm cozy hug, watever.

Yes, we need to move on, we need to grow, win over our desires, replenish our weaknesses with strength. Very lately I understood that there is no such thing called right or wrong. There are no absolutes. What seems to you your weakness at a time might be the biggest strength for someone else. Even an event that appears to be a tragedy to you might seem to be the seeds of opportunity for someone else. Its all about circumstances of life, how they are interpreted, processed and finally executed.

One such recent experience, made me think, and wonder why it happens, can it be avoided? When it happened, I felt nothing, neither good or bad, was almost blank, pondering what had happened, why and how it happened. Was it neccesary? Such unexpected events, wanted or unwanted, good or bad, they just happen. Just when all this was going through my mind, I received an sms. A msg which forced me to re think whatever had happened. Just done, not even completed. “What was the lesson learnt?” – - she asked. It made me think harder. It made me question. It made me realise, there are no mistakes in life, only lessons.

Everytime I see life it has a different perspective. There is no such thing called negative experience, no such point where we should assess weakness, it is only an opportunity to learn, to grow and live upto the expectations, of your’s and others’ and move forward along the life’s crossroads, which we don’t know where it will lead us to. From this yearn; the struggle of life, comes strength. Strength to be closer to whom we love, to be cozier with ppl who love us back, to understand relationships, to assess our own soul, to live our own feelings.

Such unwanted experiences can turn out to be a great teacher. I was always sure of what I wanted but it strengthened its roots deep within when she said it. “We are the best believers! The best breed!! Lets just do it.. That’s all.” It was all said in fun but had a true message. It filled me with clarity, inculcated the urge to believe, to do things we believe. To stop judging these events, just live it, experience it and learn from it. Every experience, good or bad, teaches us some lessons, lessons which hold the key to life. These small lessons, life teaches us, fuels our growth, as a being. It teaches us about familial ties, about people, about society, about life. At times it also makes us feel disappointed, breaks us apart. But then the laws of nature always ensures that when one door closes another opens. It teaches us to live, to move forward, to seek, coz only those who seek shall find. And there is nothing more nobler than being superier to your very own self. So grow while you seek.

X: I am scared of the unknown. I am scared of people who i know were not by my side when I needed them, of traditions which I know are stale, am scared of being rejected, of the fear of not being loved by my loved ones.. I am scared of myself.

This fear of getting scared is not weakness – it is strength, because it helps you judge where you should stand, by what value you should live. Weakness is … not to dream your dream. Weakness is … to not work out your dream. Weakness is … to not go against ppl whom you love, failing to realise they ll always be with you. Weakness is … the fear of rejection, the fear of being faced with criticism. Weakness is … to deny, what you desired for your every breath, when it is just one step away. Weakness is … to not realise what you dreamt, to be able to see it live in reality. Weakness is … not to follow your heart when it was most required. Weakness is … not to convert your weakness to your strength. Thinking, judging, assessing, weighing is needed – it lets u assess your strength, analyse your position, but an overdose of it makes a hamlet out of you – morphing all your strength to weaknesses. One needs to strike a balance between thinking and doing. Whats of utmost importance is which should come first and when? To define when it should be impulsive and when it should be a result of combined balanced thought process. Whether or not, we can strike this balance, we need to act, act our gut feeling, or is such a pursuit mere wishful thinking?

In order to explore your very own self, your core, you need to lose yourself. The value lies not in reaching the destination, it lies in the journey, in the experience you had all along the way. In hindi we have a saying “Jeevan kshanbhangur hai.” – it is all temprorary. Your good time, bad time, the life you lived, and the ppl with whom u lived it, everything.. it disintegrates with time, loses its essence, demeans its value. What remains is in your mind, memory of the times you lived and in heart, the people whom you lived it with. We tend to find an easy way out, all the time, failing to realize, this escape from the temprorary discomfort might result in losing something far more valuable, far more precious, far more important. Your very own soul. Your core.

Follow your heart and work your mind to achieve it. And if you can do that on a regular basis, from time to time, you are not weak.

Past two months all my gadgets, one by one are suffering from recurrent persistent stress strokes. These shortlived impulsive behavior strokes on them are making me go crazy at times. When I need them the most, they stop working. On my laptop, a ghosted messagebox appears saying “power surge on com port.” Similarly, my brand new nokia n95 was suffering from a faulty diseased flex cable dying to get replaced n took a fortnight stroll to the L3 lab at Nokia. Finally out of all tension, I decided “Thats enuff !! am not gonna take it ne mo.” So I started all research to unveil the secrets, unmask the asterisks behind behind all this chaos. A good friend of mine pointed out may be that all these sufferings may be due to the Mars retrogade in the year-end and should end soon. But he demanded more details to find out from the birth chart when where these lil babies brought in the ugly, evil world. So I have a set out on a deadly mission to the darkest corners of the net, against all proxies and firewalls, to challenge the birth right of my gadgets.

Wish me luck !! …

My response to an excellant thought provoking article by Shruti at.

http://musings.blogspot.com

Excellant write up Shruti. Very thought provoking !!

I remember, as a boy, I used to pose several different questions to my dad, as to what is good, wat is bad, what is right, what is wrong? And as I grew, I realised that its all about how u look at things. Its about the conditions, the situations you are into and the ones which you invite henceforth.

For a handicapped beggar, the biggest truth is he has to feed his kids to live. For him it doesnt make much of a difference if the bread is his earning, or is stolen, or begged. So, truth is all about the perspective you watch it from. We choose to live life on priorities. And on these priorities, or say illusive environment & conditions we weave us a web of life. Priorities at the Gandhian time was to get rid of slavery & injustice and Gandhi handled the situation very well, conditioned the brains of ppl, of friends and foes, with his super moral views excellantly. N there is no doubt about it. The priority for him was his country not his family. And before judging what to follow we need to understand what should be our priority.

I keep wondering at times as to what is more important, is it to hear the voice of our soul, or is it to hear our ppl who at some point of time did sacrifice their souls to our bread, leaning towards the same familial ties? Isnt it a grave injustice to them, if we do justice only to our soul? Its all about making choices. Making right choices. n what is right or wrong is decided by the priorities we have in life.

As a moralist Gandhi is unbeaten, his idealogies, his strength to endure, his belief in himself is unquestionably superb. He practiced what he preached and I appreciate him for that. I believe its always about karma. N karma is about values and duties. Be it to your very own self, your family, or your country. We need to do what we need to do and not fear whats gonna be hitting us. But then are we setting top priorities right? Thats a question we need to ask ourselves before we chose to stand by our morales, against our own people. Which battle is more important to win?

Desire is the very essence of being human. We long for the forbidden things and then desire what is denied by us. It often challenges me to think as to what we actually want. Is it the need, passion, love, lust or mere thirst of getting what we don’t have access to.  Is it the yearn for ideality in perspective of reality?

Yet the question remains that beyond simply identifying the various facets of desire how do we reconcile them? What is the whole theory behind  them and how do we get over it?

The multi dimensionality of desire is often driven by a force powered by passion with aesthetic vibrations. Emotional or erotic, fleeting or consuming, need or luxury, desire has its endless variety in the past, present & future expressions. I keep wondering is it possible to solve the dynamic enigma of desire or is such a pursuit mere wishful thinking. Whatever it is, it is difficult to answer.  Desires can be selfish, selfless, conscious, unconscious, forced, heart-felt, anger-driven, lustful, patient and impatient. Manhandled desires end with detraction of our ability to deliberate, solve and act rightly. 

Whose desire to follow? What to desire?

According to Lord Krishna (Bhagwad Gita) desires should be judged and executed by basic moral intuition – what we call desire-less action(karma). However, when this intuition is reaches its logical conclusion, it collides with another intuition — an intuition to which we subscribe even more tenaciously. If desire obstructs one’s moral agency, then ideally one should act entirely without desire. But intentional action entails desire. Hence, desire-less action is impossible. So, I believe in the first place Do what you desire than only desire to do and make a Hamlet of yourself doing nothing.

To settle this conflict of intuitions and desires one needs to define and draw a line between permissible and impermissible desires.  We desire to be happy, are we really happy when we get what we desire? Or is it just the sense of satisfaction that we achieved what we desired. Its all too complicated. Is happiness a mere by product of met desires? Difficult to say, do we really mean met desires when we say “Who cares? I got what I want, I am happy.” It is mysterious.

Desires are for those who dare to desire. But then you need desire right. So Desire your heart!

Taken from a mail to me:

A man and his girlfriend were married. It was a large celebration. All of their friends and family came to see the lovely ceremony and to take part in the festivities and celebrations. Everyone had a wonderful time.

The bride was gorgeous in her white wedding gown and the groom was very dashing in his black tuxedo. Everyone could tell that the love they had for each other was true.

A few months later, the wife comes to the husband with a proposal: “I read in a magazine, a while ago, about how we can strengthen our marriage.” she offered.

“Each of us will write a list of the things that we find a bit annoying with the other person. Then, we can talk about how we can fix them together and make our lives happier together.”

The husband agreed, so each of them went to a separate room in the house and thought of the things that annoyed them about the other. They thought about this question for the rest of the day and wrote down what they came up with.

The next morning, at the breakfast table, they decided that they would go over their lists.

“I’ll start,” offered the wife. She took out her list. It had many items on it enough to fill 3 pages, in fact. As she started reading the list of the little annoyances, she noticed that tears were starting to appear in her husbands eyes.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Nothing” the husband replied, “keep reading your lists.”

The wife continued to read until she had read all three pages to her husband. She neatly placed her list on the table and folded her hands over top of it.

“Now, you read your list and then we’ll talk about the things on both of our lists.” She said happily.

Quietly the husband stated, “I don’t have anything on my list. I think that you are perfect the way that you are. I don’t want you to change anything for me. You are lovely and wonderful and I wouldn’t want to try and change anything about you.”

The wife, touched by his honesty and the depth of his love for her and his acceptance of her, turned her head and wept.

In life, there are enough times when we are disappointed, depressed and annoyed. We don’t really have to go looking for them.

We have a wonderful world that is full of beauty, light and promise.

Why waste time in this world looking for the bad, disappointing or annoying when we can look around us, and see the wondrous things before us?

Moral of the story: We are happiest when we praise the good and try our best to forget the bad. Nobody’s perfect but we can find perfect-ness in them, by changing the way we see them.

Analysis Paralysis is a stage where you can’t make any progress becoz you bog down too much in minute details, all the time tweaking, brainstorming, researching and … anything but just getting on with it. Sounds familiar ???

Well its something which I see people struggle with and at times I am a victim to this too. I guess all this happens out of a fear for failure, partly coz the mill-manufacturing of ideas doesnt end, perhaps because most of the time we think we are a geek.

A very worst case scenario for this can be seen at the entreprise level. At times this can be very fatal. Believe me.

I think it is always better to start off with something and then improve on it rather than spend an age thinking, agonising, planning for the perrrfect finished product. The best way to go about it is prioritize elements in stages - alpha, beta, pre-launch and post launch.

This is not about dropping to low standards or setting your sights low. Its about identifying things which are needed from the word GO, items that need analysis, and items which can be fixed later on.

While it is perfectly normal to want to spend time thinking about the project, understanding the requirements, especially the one which has an element of risk, but then there comes a point where any more thinking is counter-productive and you need to start making some progress than just dreaming about how to go about doing it

In programming world it is always about setting top priorities right, the stuff that demands extra care, and stuffs which will be difficult to refactor later.

We encounter n number of expert procastinators in day to day life. Not to forget I too am n Ace Procrastinator. So, what are the reasons that lets us define the lazy git of sorries and excuses besides working. I figured out that this so deadly analysis paralysis is often a successor of the learned behavioral approach which we are accustomed to, for years. Why do we analyse it so much? Either it has been proven fruitful to do so or not enough planning has caused too much chaos at occasions and you want to be cautious all the time or is it that we just want to stay away from the hands on job.

Failure to plan is planning to fail. Planning is good but too much of it can be as crippling as not enough. Even after all the so called required analysis and perfect decisions, when the analysis meets reality, the projects fail. Everything was so right, suddenly an alien from outer space comes out of its dungeon and defeats all your quality planning tactics. No amount of thinking could have predicted that. The unseen remains. So, thinking on your feet is often as important as any amount of analysis but we need to make sure that we define the scope well and plan accordingly, doing things in phases than getting tempted and flying around with personal jet-packs on our back.

Its a good idea to partner somebody or take a second opinion of someone a lil more reckless and get us used to making decisions. Prioritize the elements, do it one by one, easy or hard, doesnt matter but gain some momentum.

Hey !! it works .. this is how i managed to defeat procrastination and started to write my blog.

Now, Stop thinking n start doing something.

There are so many many things that prevents a person like me from blogging. Lack of time, confusion .. dare I say it, a little dash of technofear and above all am a lazy fellow.

hmm … No time? I figured it out that will always be the case and I will never be able to escape it. Technofear. hmm .. my colleagues who have always tolerated my shout cry for cutting edge technology and fear for the crashes that comes with it and in return gifted me some patient encouragement, useful advice and assistance.. And they say that I dont fear them at all and that I should get on with it.. So I guess I have started to believe them .. Laziness - Well this one has been a grist of my procrastination mill for one good year now. Anyway, all these days I pushed myself hard to overcome lazyness. So here I am ..

Hmm .. So that leaves confusion. It’s not just quite enough to say: “Am going to blog.” You have to know what you want to write about and how do u go about it. And I really didn’t know.

I have two big interests. One is exploring new domains & cutting edge technology and the other is writing, storytelling, reading. For a very long time I had these two interests jockeyed in my brain for dominance. Until recently, when I discovered that they can actually peacefully cohabit in there.

The eureka moment occurred when, in desperation, a five week project analysis went through this mechanical, visual process of diagramming a story and I realized that my interests in writing and in the structure of information & tasks that comprise a website, or even an application, are fairly closely related.

Both these activities are about communication. Both these deal with unearthing a form for the content or system that is natural, that makes sense to the beholder, that is even pleasurable and at times somewat fatal .. lol .. Anyway, when I think about it, I’ve always been interested in something that makes someone tick; in getting to the heart of a matter; to the nub or the crux of an issue. I love kernels of truth…

Bring on the nittygritty !!!