xor eax, eax

If I could paint a rainbow,
I would do it just for you
And share with you it’s beauty,
On the days you’re feeling blue.

If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own,
A place to find serenity,
A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles,
I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things I find
Are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain
Or paint a rainbow. Fair.
But let me be what I know best,
A friend that’s always there,

I can’t promise you heaven
I don’t have access to
but I promise you our relationship
will be a lot worth more to do

I promise you a colored life
With more ups than downs
i promise you a life
with a lot lot lesser frowns

So come with me my love
to live life on rough incline
together lets make it shine
and thats when you ll realise
that our meeting was Divine.

O angel of my life
Lets share the true love’s kiss
What I can assure u for sure
This chance is not to miss

You re the one am looking for
It’s you, your love.. Nothing more !!
Make my life, a dream come true
All you have to say, is ‘”I love you”.

Answer me yes in nod,
O Sweet angel of God,
Will you rule my mind, my heart,
Will you be my sweetheart?

In response to a poem by Mark at Orkut community “Writing Central”, titled “Only shadows remain”
********************************************************************************

Shadows are mere blockage of light
Do away with it and the life turns bright

Whats gone, Is gone you see
Why bother, when it was not meant to be

Brooding over past is no gain
Dont block yourself, else shadows remain

Holi was great … Perrrrfectt !! … full of colors, water balloons, eggs, tomatoes, cheese, navrattan korma, chicken, sauce, curd n ofcourse mud n water … wondering if we used chicken, paneer or mud to play holi .. .. was totally unplanned, unexpected though .. but yes we did … the whole day we kidded around running after each other.. targetting new victims.. n then compromising targets.. ended relaxed and tired .. capturing those magical, energetic moments to our memories (visit My Flickr album).. but the fun, banter, jokes continued to the bowling alley, city mall and right through to Vrindaavan … we reached there at 4:17 am .. i dont remember when was the last time i had been to a temple … that too four in the morning (lol .. i get up only after seven or eight)… but whatever it was .. it was refreshing … a journey to ancient artistic traditions ..the morning in the temple starts with Hare Raama Hare Krsna bhajan … the bhajan was sweet … soft and auspicous to grace everyone present there .. the chimes, gongs, bells, shankhnad and clapping filled the air with some magic of great positive energy .. it was very energizing .. kinda rejuvenated us to life.. restoring the peace of mind we lose in our overly stressed lives .. now when i talk of energy …cant miss to discuss Vipul who hadnt actually slept for past 48 hours, did all of what we did the whole day, yet drove to and fro throughout the day .. and the whole night .. One hell of a job .. incredible energy n stamina .. Hats off !!!

who else can do that?? ONLY VIPUL .. VIPUL ..

As suggested by M, I thought I would go for an outing this weekend.. couldn’t manage to register a trek .. ofcourse the work pressure didnt let me .. want to finish things before i go … So to get over the grrr, all i did was to go back to the grandma’s recipe of being the real me .. i took a day out on this sunday.. did no work.. nothing official .. didnt even check my email .. i went to the book store in the city mall .. bought me a book .. had a yummy lunch .. sat in the park outside the mall .. reading a book (the sweetest dream by Dorris Lessing) .. observing ppl without saying a word .. the lawn was full of fountains .. n right above in the clear sky, was the mighty magical moon .. half moon .. water gushing out of the fountains trying to reach the sky …again and again and again .. as if the pull from the moon and the push from the motors was not strong enough .. as if it was trying to pass on a message .. the message to try your best .. with the push and the pull.. to dream the impossible.. to witness the black swan in my life… if it was not magical, it was a very different experience for sure, which i had not witnessed for a long time now .. the kids were running through .. trying to escape the splashes.. they knew they might get wet .. yet they continued .. giggled.. shrieked.. danced .. it was fun to watch them .. it was a different me .. sitting out there and doing nothing .. lost in my own flawsophy (as i would call it ) of life and things …

I usually get over things blazing fast .. a sound sleep does the trick.. but this time it is not being that speedy a recovery.. I sat there for around 3 hours … kinda preparing my new set of items on the bucket list (see the Lamborgini below) .. to do things i used to …

Had to postpone the plan to trek to the month’s end .. snz next weekend will be eaten by Easter and Holi day ..

Two questions that have been and continue to be with me all the time are:

1. How to know what I want?

2. How to deal with what I want?

Some background

I am a work zombie. More of a computer zombie actually. I never stop thinking about whatever project I am working on, and I don’t consider to limit what I do. Never have. I avoid almost everything to my work. Now this brings sufferings to other aspects of my life. Which I am to bounce off here. Being in a position I am in my company, I gotta write everyday, work with the most creative, enthusiastic people, hold meetings with interesting & driven people, build solutions, deploy hacks, be part of exciting events - a total party. More of a child at play than work. People who know me know that I am very excited n passionate to explore n build a service, evolve it, spread a word about it, making it accessible to people who find it useful. In other words, my work is my life. I love to delve, hack and create things. I prefer to sweat it and in the process break my back :p

When you don’t love what you do, it sucks. I took a lotta time to figure out what I actually wanted to do in my life. Ever since we are kids, we are asked “What is it that you wanna become when you grow old “. Most of us answer that I want to be a pilot, firefighter, actor, rocket scientist and what not. Most of us all end up doing something completely different. I remember, every time i was asked this question I came up with a different answer. I wanted to be everything and feared to end up doing nothing. So, the solution, was to find something which I loved to do the most and will continue to do so all my life. So I prepared myself a list of what all I wanted to do and what all i liked to do. Something like a Bucket List. The list went three pages long. ooops .. Was I confused to greater degree. Difficult to say. I figured out I wanted to do almost everything. How can that be? We all got fixed roles. Perhaps, I was about to retire the thought when it struck me how exciting would it be to wear the coat of an Entrepreneur and do things which are not limited to one specific role or dimension. Wouldn’t be complete, I know, but I guess that was my best bet.

The second tiger question that confronted me was how to go about it. I didnt knew. And perhaps would have never known if I didn’t meet this passionate & versatile creature from the wired world or should i say wified world, who was also into similar fixture. Lets call him V. We started as freelancers. It kicked for both of us. Now this, did take some time but it wasn’t really that hard, given the fact how amazing the market is, how un-political people are and how bearish deals are .. Given the fact that we had nothing much to risk, no capital, not even experience .. Should I say I was in the right place at the right time…

Now the only issue that remains and keeps coming back, is Stress. One can love what you do but still it is a problem managing the crunch that comes with it. It’s intimidating. Specially, in the startup world, one has to learn to face what we do as one big giant game of gamble. Stress at work is devil and Crunch in life is a bigger monstrous devil. Am being subjected to one such monster these days. Ugly monster… Don’t ask me to define…

Some amount of stress is good, coz it warns us to things, which we need to focus on. Our lives, in the technological perspective is not very easy to live. We are blessed to play in a virtual dynamic space, usually which has not much of a significance while we are at it. Its what it can turn into. Its a big bug fun game we are all into, which might change the perspective of how we look at things. Nothing more. It might succeed, it might not. We all plan to make it work. We all dream to realise it. Even I do. To run big projects, that become big businesses. Yet if they don’t, all I plan to do is just move on and do it again. Simple. Easy. Fair. Aint it..

Now let us subject the same crunch to our lives. Its still a mystery to me. Some bloody big questions are haunting me, waiting to get answered. So here I am to work it out. I have been facing the music for some while now and the stress factor has been decombing the priorities I have in my life. Nah .. Probably nothing much serious happened at work which brought me into this Rajesh Khanna’s lymphocercoma of intestine. It’s probably the OTHER aspects I was talking about. Ones which i need to rationalize. Rediscover. How? Yet to realize. So I called up my friend, my mentor, to help me settle the equation. Lets call her M. M picked the call only after I gave her 3 full rings. She z busy n all time occupied but she is the right person to tackle me and my stupid nonsensical talks. So the fourth call goes .. grrrnngg grrrrnngg .

Me: Hello ..

M: Hi..

Me: am Bored ..

M: haha ..n you called me ..

Me: yep .. I had to pass it on to someone.

M: Dont bother me .. Go find a gurl

Me: heheh .. :P  .. Where

M: How do I know. Go some place. Go out. Meet new people .. Strangers

Me: I do that everyday. but they become my clients or they already are.

M: Not clients re ..

Me: Hmm .. am getting freaky .. pissed off working 24×7x365

M: Take a break. Go out.

Me: Where

M: Dunno, Just Go.

Me: Hmm.. Alone.. Where ..

M: Go alone. Go to some place. a Trek.. may be.

Me: Time kahan hai.. (Who has time for all this)

M: Go for two days. weekend or may be even one day. Take a day out.

Me: Hmmmmm…

M: Go to some place. There are so many places.

Me: Hmmm..

M: Or better .. go for some adventure sport.

Me: I have other things to take care of n Prioritise.

M: Tats wat .. priorities.. You need to redefine it may be ..

Me: I dnt know

M: Do unexpected things. Things that make you happy.

Me: Work makes me happy but am pissed off now…

M: Hmm.. Not work ..Go out ..

Go for a trek.. Or may be go to some hotel.

Stay there for two days .. come back

You can go places you havent been. Go see the Taj

Me: I have seen that.

M: In the night?

Me: No …

M: They say its very different in the night. Very romantic.

Me: Uhuh ..

M: a long pause …

Me: Hmmm… I think you are right.. I need a break. I ll plan something.

M: Dont plan .. Just go..

Me: Okay .. I ll go .. I ll go this weekend.

M: Good !! Go …

Me: Hmm …

To be continued …

Its easy to be merry
when life flows like a song
but the man worthwhile
is the man with smile
when everything goes dead wrong

We all live, we all breathe
But our lives are all so different
confusions, chaos everywhere
yet the beauty to live it is not to spare

Happiness, as we chose to define
Leads none of us by the same incline
The perspective we live is our very own
yet confused, we chose to go on

Truth to life is coinageble with wit
yet how dearly we pay for its counterfeit
At times I don’t know what should be my take
the smile i wear on my face, makes me wonder
Why no tears, no cries. No shout, no emotions break
I ask myself
Am I fake !! Am I fake !!

It was a long break.. a very long one this time.. everything, almost everything was going haywire .. haphazardly .. unneccesary things were happenning… finally, it seems to have ended.. things have started to fall in place.. now its time to get back.. back to work .. there is no such pleasure, no such satisfaction like work is … also its time to work things out which were identified as top priorities in last 3 months or so.. n yes, finish pending jobs ..n with my arms n ammunition ready, i mean my dear laptop, yes an upgraded one, am raring to go..vrummm .. vrrrruuuum.. Bring it on .. its work time ..

This was the first poetry i ever wrote. This post is dedicated to a very charming, magical, lovely creature, which am blessed to have in my life. However, to keep the identity private, the last stanza is removed from this post …

February 14th, 2008

She is a friend when i need her to be ..
Whenever i look at her she amazes me ..
The song she sings, the way she walks ..
Surprises me with her silly talks ..

The purity she holds at heart ..
Yet her questions, at times are like a dart ..
But the way she judges ..
She holds no grudges ..
She is the best in whatever she does …
Wins quietely over all the fuss ..

Her innocence ..her pretty looks ..
at the time when she reads the books ..
The way she smiles .. the way she ll giggle ..
I notice how her earrings jiggle ..

When i irritate her, she takes a pause..
Then scratches me with her big paws ..
And scratches me so badly ..
I ll question her if the intentions are deadly .
She then beats me up with the pillows ..
I thank god, in our house we have no willows ..
And when i just look at her with a silent gaze ..
She ll caress my cheeks with a sweet face ..

Last year in the month of June ..
The first time she taught me how to sing a tune ..
Now whenever we meet, we miss no chance ..
To talk, enjoy, sing and dance ..

While crossing the road you ll see the twist..
On my hand, the sudden clench of her fist…
Dunno about her but i feel secure ..
It gives me all the strength to endure ..
To achieve all, we ever lack ..
The power to fight back ..

What scares me is when she is upset ..
The gloomy look, the question mark ..
Almost everything before me turns to dark ..
N when i say ‘it ll be fine’ …
She ll question me for the second time ..

She ll hop here and there, fly like a bird ..
We can talk for long without saying a word ..
The quizzical stare in her crystal black eyes ..
It makes me feel the world is a paradise..

The way she cares, the way she ll nurture ..
When she talks to a doctor u ll find her mother …

I treasure the moments together we spend ..
It makes me feel strong to make laws bend ..
She is so pure like the crimson loose-strife..
Am blessed to have her in my life ..

She listens to me without offence ..
And takes all my nonsense ..
I care for you and i love u re ..
I miss u so much everyday ..

The zeal, the confidence she has in her ..
She is so magical, she is so dear ..
It will never end if i describe her ..
it will never end if i describe her ..

I have noticed that I have many interests, and I m rarely dedicated to them, so almost all the time I tend to be outsider almost everywhere. I like to meet people, I like to talk but am more of a hobbyist in the jungle of serious folks, be it technokrafts, enterepreneurs or enthusiasts. “Err .. conferences .. new one.. yes yes may be u ll find me there”. However, at the same time, am one lazy bugger who wont move an inch unless there is a dire need for it. Almost all the time this ends up with me being a victim to the eleventh hour battles. Poor me …;)

Though at times, the rush of adrenalin makes me do work at a faster rate than people can imagine and “I guess thats ma USP”. And Yes, at times am unpredictable, but almost all the time I try to learn, percieve and judge people whom I meet.

“Am sure everyone does that ;). .. every now and then ..“

So, in most conferences, I get to meet lots of ppl, ppl whom I had previously only known through the cables wires or the wifi connectivity. And believe me none of them are disappointing. “Lol .. may be I am to many. ”

So in most conferences, we see people wearing name tags so that’s of some help incase I don’t remember em or know them at all. Oh did I tell you, am not so good with faces.

It so happened that I was speaking at one of such conferences, when a not so familiar face caught my attention. It was a lovely lady, gazing at me, continously. Now this participant was not so particularly unique but became the focus of my attention throughout my talk, for her hungry stare. This happened because, she didnt took her eyes off my face. Even after the talk, while I was in the question - answer session, she kept me watching hungrily. It was strange, but I loved it. Infact her concentration and fascination made me forget some very important comments I was supposed to make.

So, right after my talk, I started looking out for this new acquaintance in the crowd, who enthralled me with her hungry eyes. Mine was the last session before tea so people were moving haphazardly, here and there, in flocks.

I found my admirer loittering around in the corridor. I cant describe how excited I was to meet her in person. I rushed near the door and confronted her.

“Excuse me “ – I said.

She didn’t make a move. I said it again “Excuse me madam”. A bit firmer this time.

She turned back, and looked at me. I could notice the surprise on her face. I was speechless. I mumbled some words thanking her for the appreciation to attend my session. I was waiting for her to ask me something. Something about the session.

“Did u get something out of my session” – I blabbered.

“Eh well .. not really, I couldn’t get you” – she said.

It was almost like I was thrown from the topmost floor of the building.

She continued. “Well .. actually I had difficulty understanding you.”

“… err ..You see I forgot to bring my hearing aid” – she said.

I could take it no more. I almost thought I captivated her with my words. Lol. My heart was still thumping harder.

I spoke to myself “So she kept her eyes glued to me because she wanted to interpret my lips.. ”.

Ah well, Whatever it was, this eye contact gave me immense pleasure and satisfaction and inspired me to talk that session out with full confidence. I was so tired.

I asked her for a coffee and narrated her what my whole session was all about. Oh btw, did I tell you she was twice my age and was a veteran journalist. We made good friends after that. And talked of what not. From society to culture, from economy to battles. It was so educating. I also found out that she had a son almost my age, residing in the U S of A. I found her amazing all throughout and I guess that was a very natural feeling which could happen to anybody who met her. I was her fan.

So Powerful conviction was of those beautiful eyes, I still cant forget that gaze.

Last night I got a message that she is no more. She died of cancer.

Every moment in life is a miracle, as well as a mystery. I could feel it when she said, “Our mind and our heart is like a sieve, we need to do away with what we hold, shed what we have access to, to make room for whats in the making.” For me, I have always treasured moments which I have lived. Be it good or bad, sweet or sour, any experience, with whom I loved, is something which I have always treasured. An angry stern look, a warm cozy hug, watever.

Yes, we need to move on, we need to grow, win over our desires, replenish our weaknesses with strength. Very lately I understood that there is no such thing called right or wrong. There are no absolutes. What seems to you your weakness at a time might be the biggest strength for someone else. Even an event that appears to be a tragedy to you might seem to be the seeds of opportunity for someone else. Its all about circumstances of life, how they are interpreted, processed and finally executed.

One such recent experience, made me think, and wonder why it happens, can it be avoided? When it happened, I felt nothing, neither good or bad, was almost blank, pondering what had happened, why and how it happened. Was it neccesary? Such unexpected events, wanted or unwanted, good or bad, they just happen. Just when all this was going through my mind, I received an sms. A msg which forced me to re think whatever had happened. Just done, not even completed. “What was the lesson learnt?” – - she asked. It made me think harder. It made me question. It made me realise, there are no mistakes in life, only lessons.

Everytime I see life it has a different perspective. There is no such thing called negative experience, no such point where we should assess weakness, it is only an opportunity to learn, to grow and live upto the expectations, of your’s and others’ and move forward along the life’s crossroads, which we don’t know where it will lead us to. From this yearn; the struggle of life, comes strength. Strength to be closer to whom we love, to be cozier with ppl who love us back, to understand relationships, to assess our own soul, to live our own feelings.

Such unwanted experiences can turn out to be a great teacher. I was always sure of what I wanted but it strengthened its roots deep within when she said it. “We are the best believers! The best breed!! Lets just do it.. That’s all.” It was all said in fun but had a true message. It filled me with clarity, inculcated the urge to believe, to do things we believe. To stop judging these events, just live it, experience it and learn from it. Every experience, good or bad, teaches us some lessons, lessons which hold the key to life. These small lessons, life teaches us, fuels our growth, as a being. It teaches us about familial ties, about people, about society, about life. At times it also makes us feel disappointed, breaks us apart. But then the laws of nature always ensures that when one door closes another opens. It teaches us to live, to move forward, to seek, coz only those who seek shall find. And there is nothing more nobler than being superier to your very own self. So grow while you seek.