In a quiet quarter
On a lonely land
I Stand and wait for you.
I feel a smile
Thats creeping slow
While a thought
Comes hopping through.
And yet before I realize
Its far beyond my reach.
In a quiet mumble
With a broken pause
The moment comes to siege.
In awkward silence
Stranded at bay
Without a sail to lead.
I stop and stare into randomness
While my emotions silently bleed.
I have been going through a writer’s block. Not exactly, but kind of. I even tried to write for prompts. I did. But what came out of it was not mine. And now, It is important I get over it before I am taken over. This has started to set pauses in abrupt places and abrupt times. What I mean to say is I needto get over it. And I have been looking for a solution to this pause for quiet some time now. I have tried quiet a number of things.
Different things work for different people at different junctures in life. Sometimes sitting in the dark with all the lights off and all the thoughts on, can make the difference. Sometimes, a walk down the street clicks it right.. Sometimes talking it out with a friend sets the ball rolling… Its not about how it comes to you, but what comes to you.. So here is what happened this morning that broke the trail of silence and the writer’s block I was going through.
I was sipping coffee, reading a newspaper. My neice sat right across the table with her head bent on paper, sheilding it with an elbow, making twirls and swoops, like a sculptor carving a pattern in a piece of wood.. I saw her. How content she was. All into it. With a satisfied look on her face. She randomly picked crayons, color after color and fill those random figures without trying to make some sense out of whatever she was scribbling for almost half an hour. And then she was done.
“See what I have for you Mama. This is exclusively for you. My best sketch ever.”
I smiled back and had a look at it. It was a design! A design, free of a structure, but beriboned with hope and a statement of content.
“Do you like it.” – she asked.
“Of-course I do darling.”
“Its wonderful. Thank you for this my pancake” – I said in validation.
This small event registered its existence on my mind as one of the not so common ones. I will tell you how. Her expression in the drawing was an open one. It said a great deal about what was going through in her mind when she drew it. Nothing held her back from choosing or picking a layout that was not contemporary. And that I realize is so important sometimes.
Life is a basket of crazy loaves and fishes. I believe I too have yielded to the pressure of not sharing certain things with people around in my life, bent under the weight of compromised value, or fear or shame or plain anger or even a common happy feeling for that matter. Such things just go unrecognized most of the times. And there have been things I have wanted to write and talk about. Lots of it. Yet I have often held back quiet a lot of it to myself. As a result of it some of these moments; the happy ones I mean, I dont even register, even when I talk about such things to people. And then there are some really difficult things which we quiet love to overlook and not talk about. But here its not that. Or atleast its not just that. I have tried a lot of things myself. I have stayed away from a lot of thoughts for a lot of reasons. But if you ask me if that sorted it out. I don’t think it did. But yes some meager minor ones, do lose their ground with time.
Spilling the beans, if you ask my mom, I used to be a quiet agressive and a short tempered boy 
Prolly now that a look back at it, I find that a lot of things, that voted for the rage and agression was borne of the fact that I would not take them easy, talk it easy or live through it. Fortunately things have changed. And now, what often works for me is the fact that I can talk easy about things without a hint of anger or despair. I can let go of it and choose to accept it as they are. The transformation to this composed self has taken its own seasoning time. I realze that the absence of this balance is capable of making you more inward, which I think is quiet dangerous and at times also evil. It makes people implosive.
When I started to write, i wrote through a lot of what I was going through; lay it open, with all its beautiful scars and smooth round stones, among the jagged ones made my life through it all the more smooth with violets tucked against the brambles. Then I shared it with people around. They loved what I wrote. And that took me captive. Selfish it may be, you start to write for pleasure that people seek out of your expression; which is quiet capable of losing the expression to the glamour of the expression. Whereas the idea is to of lose it to the people. Whatever whenever expressed openly makes the cram unnecessary and the expression easy. I feel it is more important to express what is, than to try and work past the logjam waiting to overcome all the hurdles and bridges or get hitched by glamour of the expression for that matter. I have been waiting to freely express for once, than embroider words into my writing. What I want to say is that I can spread reasons out in my mind but unless they are out on the table it can be difficult to arrange them into something harmonic. Something sensible. Something justified.
Whatever my niece had come up with was an important message, to let it loose and enjoy the confidence of letting it let loose, rather than to brood over it for what is and what is not, or even yearn for perfection for that matter. The idea is set it free. So well I don’t care anymore what I write. I just will write. I just did.
Jumbled thoughts that often roll;
In frank surrender of solitude.
Faint voice with blush that burns;
Why not in decisions you include?
Of pure muse I am a kin,
Those lift me fast and true.
Stretched out with open arms,
In shadows soft and hopes subdued.
Stealing colors from the sky,
I reach out for thy in pain.
You throb a lil in rhythm,
But lose count of it all again.
Arrested in your throb,
Oozing out of an uncut wound,
The rebellion gore now runs in vain,
Like a lover longs for moon.
The waves may sink and perish.
The ocean can scorch and dry.
But the answer we have to find
She and I cant happen WHY?
A sparrow in my hand
was about to squeak.
As I caress its body
and polish its beak.
In the sound of silence
as a thought fouls out
In a jumbled jig
of her whereabout
In an uncertain confine
as it waits for a name
In a voice familiar
that in a call never came
Thoughts stashed.
Fears unsaid..
Words smashed
With a feel embed.
Within what lies
In a colored balloon
lead it up in the skies
To reach the moon..
….
….
And as it goes
Up in the air
The clime around
Is its biggest scare
But scare is not
What leads it right
The air within
Still wants to fight
To fight a war
A fight unto death
CONTAIN… COMPLY..
Till the air bequeath!
In an adhoc response to a post..
Wrapped against the chill
Of an early morn…
Speechless….
He stared at her!!
Her silent composure
did confirm…
That the bond
She will honor…
Her gentle gaze,
Right back at him.
In assurance
Of – “I am yours.”
Soaked in time,
He felt so blessed,
Having lived,
A moment so pure…
She tilt to the right,
As she looked at him..
It dig deep his darling’s heart.
It skipped a beat,
and lost its count…
And signaled a swirling start.
Sweet thoughts,
Of having her in his life.
Was soothing to content…
A deep sigh
With air exhaling out
Did show his clear intent.
It had a music of its own,
That matched
To the nature’s tune…
Of all the troubles,
So far in his life;
He suddenly felt immune.
It was a moment to capture indeed…
That, the sun did quickly click…
Sending the doves to spread the charm..
So that others live the same magic…
A figure shot passed;
On a pebbled beach.
Fueled in fire;
Out of my reach.
is it someone i know?
- i tried to see.
Half hid in dark,
Away from me.
Across the paddy
The shadow ran.
Dodging the arrows
Of lunar clan.
Intrigued.. Astound..
I looked you out
Unaware.. Unannounced..
I shout aloud.
Rationale despair
Of what to do..
Will you wait for me?
Or should I wait for you?
Blank expressions.
Alone I stand.
Interrupted, I breathe
On a lonely land.
Wrinkled face;
Watching you go.
Screaming mute.
I do not know.
Hammered hard;
In meek contours.
Waltzing down,
A thought comes through.
I had those dreams…
I live them now.
Comfortably clanked.
I pretend how?
And thats how,
It came.. Its gone..
Stoned by fate,
Or accident prone?
Seized in dark
I fade… You Be..
We are not two
You are but me..
Wondering.. Wandering..
As you go.
To learn…
Unlearning curve…
Each nook and corner;
that you find,
Find patterns..
And OBSERVE…
And as you,
live that fairing spree.
Be careful
what you carve…
Lots of fleeting moments
you ll find.
Where its certainly
Its better to starve
So pick and chose.
What you live
And leave…
There is more life ahead.
There are….
Many incarnations to take..
Before…
We are actually dead. 
an evening drizzle
a morning walk
moments of togetherness
when we share and talk
in mighty waves
in golden sand
an orange sunset
with hand in hand
cups of coffee
with chuckle and grins
mad long drives
through thick and thin
some silly banter
some killed jokes
whisper in calls
when among your folks
crossing roads
some jumps, some giggle
sweet smiles earned
some stares that trickle
some cluster clutter
some go.. some be..
life happens
when you re with me