xor eax, eax

Change the world or go home !!

To you…

December3


There are memories I have, which are vague and fleeting. They cut me as much as they sew the emotions in. I live in nostalgia of what could have never existed. I failed to register it in the same light though. My memories don’t inhabit the same thoughts as yours. Its an unimaginable feeling. Perhaps I have fallen in love and I know no language to express it well. I am dumbfounded. I am numb. Once upon a time, I had so many things to say. Now I have nothing to say to you. Just like you have nothing to say to me. Yet I want to say some things but words are a foreign entity to me, and stories I weave are certainly not defaulting to what we used to talk about and the way we used to.

Call it anxiety or despair. Call it love or things far from love. Call it whatever. It is as intriguing and as disturbing at the same time. Blurry thoughts. Deep brreaths. Light. Darkness. All prevail. It is like there are some aspects of light from the window, that I do not really understand. And not understanding it, well, haunts me.

Quiet often I choose to take a long walk or a nap under the trees or a drive by the fast lanes in the company of incongruous silence. Still it stays. I have been reduced to a thing that only thinks about you; and do so in the quiet human desperate way. Last night I could not sleep till four in the morning. It is absurd the way I love you.

Work is busy and demanding and I am crammed up with ideas all day, yet I cannot seem to dislodge the visions of the way you would smile at me sometimes. It tumbles and violates all the necessary, makes way for itself fairly arrogantly and stays there as if it is its own territory, as if you have a claim. Then everyday, seamlessly, in many countless ways, I convince myself of ourselves and then sack the idea into the pit. Why cant we pack all of this and tame it into some kind of happiness we can together live? It is odd. This stubborn independence we all subscribe to. It strips us of love and leaves everything futile, mundane and inadequate. My wall is down; guards low and it is crazy that now, I don’t  even resent it.

Words here are shrieking in pain, yet I do not intend to share any of it with you. No more. Nothing more.


love across the fable

February22

You may have heard people say I love him/her more than anyone else. You cant do much about that comparative statement. You see people coining it every now and then. But…. Love cant be measured. It is the context you define and the one that contains it. You may inhale exhale the very existence of this definition in your life but the reprimand is two-fold. To love. And to be loved.

You may chose to believe whats more important in the whole process. You may chose to say its your feelings. But its only the choice that we prioritize and chose to make the focal point of our perspective. There is more to it. What brings to us in any perspective we chose, is just a view of how we see life and everything around it. It may and may not be the same. An analysis to that level prolly makes life seem more arranged, more contrived, more unreal.

What is engineered in the learning unlearning process is not an instrument, not a flute, but the melody. A melody that drives us like Krishna drove the herd. It is magical and we get led into it. Some play it good. Some play it bad. Some are extraordinary. This again is subject to who tunes and connects to what. Its a choice we make. Something that is phantasmagorically beautiful the previous moment, transitions to clouded visions the next moment. What will explain that? It is about how we suit ourselves with our presets in those containers. We change. We grow. We move on. We seek.

What I happen to realise is that prolly its just a vibrant balanced journey that we seek. Once you find someone who strikes the balance for you, is prolly a soul-mate but that still doesnt make him/her a champion musician who would strike the same chords again and again. There may be variations and thats where i see ripples arise. I also accept variations with too much of love would constrain it; too much of care would make it clingy; too much of protection transitions to possessiveness. But love is prolly a chaos with some method to madness. It is not a mission. It has no set objectives. Being a human, I also cant say its self-less. It is anything, but un-understood realisation of a seeking that is still to be achieved. Once achieved, its compromised. Its a goner. I believe the madness should prevail. That keeps it going.

So all I would pray is keep seeking, get seeked and enjoy the melody that is played for you. Freedom is no freedom. Its a curse!

Love – across the table…

February18

Today I had a good conversation with a friend of mine sipping coffee. With valentines day just passing by, what better topic would it be other than love and how it affects our lives. After some discussion we sidelined impersonal love for a moment and chose to limit our scope to interpersonal love. We were wondering what makes it happen? And how long will it last? Why we are so psychologically dependent on that kind of love? And how we try to judge it every now and then?

You ll find a lot many who believe their love will never fade and also many who would claim there is no such thing called love. Whatever choices we make and chose to believe are based on our history of educated guesses from our past experiences; conscious and sub-conscious ones. Lets blanket this aside for a moment. The word love itself can have various interpretations with distinct meanings in different contexts. And nature of love is a topic of an unended debate and also a frequent one. What most interests the debaters is when it comes to whether its a mamillian drive similar to hunger or thirst or its a cultural need and social phenomenon; or rather something else may be.

Dictionary says – Love can be aroused as physical attraction & need and it can lead to emotional bonding and vice versa.

As a cultural shift, its more likely to take a physical to emotional route these days. Greeks put it in different senses agape and eros. Where agape is the ‘love of the soul’, eros is the ‘love of the body’. Agape is regardless of the parameters and defines, of what the one you love should do or does. Its more of an obsession and passionate liking. Everything else is demeaned in the process. Whereas eros is about physical interaction and beauty that feeds the fuel of burning passion. It is however difficult to separate one from the other. Hindus have it clearly defined as kama and prem. Like Bhagwad Geeta puts it kama is about bhog.. and prem is about yog. Radha’s love for Bhagwan Krishna was yog and Krishna’s love for his eight wives are examples of bhog.

Like hindus, ancient romans(latins) focus more on love with interpersonal persepective. Significance of love in their culture is very noticeable. If you notice Rome(roma) is an anagram for amor which means sensual passionate love and romance. In Ars amatoria(The art of love) Ovid covers all kinds of love. He has also written a guide to dating :P (This will be an interesting find for many :P Go read!! :P  http://tkline.pgcc.net/PITBR/Latin/ArtofLoveBkI.htm ) The chinese see it as confucianism and mohism(universal love). This gets interesting on how we found it. It so happened that we were talking, while a chinese fellow was sitting next to us who got interested and joined us in the conversation. He said love(ai) in their roots is considered a serious thing; he would prefer to say i love you to his girlfriend rather than the same in mandarin(wo ai ni). If he had to say it in traditional chinese language he would prefer using it in a lighter context “wo xiuan ni” which means I like you.

Now while conversing what kept coming to us unanswered was how do we know when a love is pure love for the soul or just love for the body. And how can we determine how long it will last, if its love for the body, it may fade away sooner or later, which is a big concern to all the couples out there, who are yet to solidify the bond and also those who are ringed together, but are concerned and scared to death with thoughts that their partner may indulge in extra-marital affairs. It boils down to question of trust. I have seen some people who would just breach the unset norms in the shadow of their possessiveness and being protective. Americans, are the best of the lot when it comes to dissolved boundaries. They are capable of falling in love again and again :P They have an average rate of marriage vs divorce ratio as 2:1, whereas indians and some other communities, see it as a life long attachment.

We listed that are three ways love usually happens. It can be through companionship, it can be passionate love(the concept of soulmates) or it can be just physical need. Now at first instance, it is very difficult to draw line between the second and the third. Say for eg. You see someone at some random place, and that very instant you feel the connection. You feel something magical happening. You say to yourself – This is the one. Just a gaze from them is enough to ignite your senses. But if this happens to you seeing every girl/boy now and then then most likely its the third one. Now, coming back to first type, this one we see we happening around us so often. You ll find kids falling to this type in schools, colleges and your colleagues offices. What is strikingly strange is that once the couple is subjected to different environments the love magically vanishes the same way it magically started for them :P

It is often noted that the psychological need has a big share contributing, which transforms into need and finally into physical need. The transition and the shares may differ, case to case and also how the two sexes involved see it. Where girls from a not so rich background, opt more for a relationship based on psychological need; girls from a fairly rich background seek the physics, chemistry and biology of it. However, it also noticed that girls get attracted more to guys, with an adventurous, carefree life with a harley davidson and a rockstar profile. Across the table all agreed to this :P These so called bad guys are not so faithful like those with the nice guy syndromes but they still win the battle…eventually lose the war but how is that different with the nice guys. :P As opposed to the same concept, we laughed at how the nice guys are not so nice. They can be more shrewd strategists. Its a long debatable topic, with different opinions and their containers. So after a long debate, we finally agreed that universal truth is – Girls like the bad guys nevertheless :P …. prolly because, rude or whatever they are, they are very honest in their approach but ruthless in their behaviour. And emotions and tears drive these nuts madly, but sadly they get sacrificed in the process. :P

We shifted our focus to more leading question “How do we know this is longterm. This is the kind of love we want to seek lifelong.” And what we found us was this

Love is not just about falling in love. Its about falling in love again and again. Just like you want to have sex again & again. The objectives may be different and so may be the chemistry, but the physics of premise is the same. Ideally, it is about falling in love with the same person over and over, rather than falling out of love and falling for someone else again. Many marriages miss the intimacy in their love for each other and lose out for the same reason. In words often heard it is “it becomes mechanical”. Years of courtship and romance cannot guarantee this. It only happens if they believe in one another blindly. Prolly thats why they say – Love is blind!

Easily explained, It is free from the constraints of unrequited love. Its like even the usual monotony can feel like contentment – a complete relish at the end of the day, if things are lined up fine. And it doesn’t take much long, to find out that mere passion, which sides around sexual gratification, is not sufficient in itself to build a long-lasting relationship. I have seen guys talk about their companionship and how it is stimulated by all the five senes. Smells good, feels good, tastes good, sounds good and looks good. And they seem to have a perfect pleasant company, that makes em feel HAPPY. Still this doesnt last so long, It doesnt always withstand the pressure of time. It gets seized. As we grow, we grow out of this love, rather than growing with it, or growing in it. As we grow, there are changes and some are about lifestyle and thinking, some are about needs and concerns but somehow they believe, they feel, it has reached an end. Thats where both the parties move on in different directions. It has trouble maturing into “Forever”. Forever is prolly not forever anymore. Or may be it never was. Its just a lose term may be. Having talked about that, just for a moment stop and think. it has happened to most of us. Isnt it? and we moved on…

However, in the “love for a soul” or what we know as agape, from greeks; it has no set qualifications. It has no restraints. It doesnt say – if you do this i ll love you. It doesnt say – you should change this or this should change between us. It has no fine print. You just choose to given in. You choose to accept them the way they are, with whatever they have or dont have. It becomes – “I need you” rather than “You need me”. It doesnt seek gain. It doesnt seek gratification. The pursuit itself is self-satisfying. But this can be a fallacy and delusional at the same time. Aint it? You ll end up writing poems, celebrating your pain.

I believe the more we help our partners achieve their full potential in life, the closer we get to maturity. Its the only sane route. Demonstrating that selfless desire for them to gain, is the strongest base for building lasting relationships. But its most difficult to exercise and it doesn’t come so naturally unless you find the right soul, when Its contentment!

Protected: A page from the diary of August 26th, 2009…

August29

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the Delhi Meet…

August28

Okiedokes… At first i wanted to capture this but then I didnt……. and then something happened … Surabhi, the hostess of the meet wrote a post and re-ignited the passions to the dying flame… So herez a random capture of what all happened at the Delhi Meet on August 2, 2009… yea yea.. that was friendship day… A community from orkut planned to meet after almost an year of planing shanning…. proposing and conforming to all the pre-reqs of the meet :P

Agendas… None

Venue: CCD (:P i dont rem what was that place) in New Delhi :D

Time: 12 mid noon

Who All? umm… we know each other for an year now, online that is; these ubercool identities finally thought its time to break out of the coccoon.. but only five of us were brave enough for this frogging :P

Members who finally made it:

Surabhi – the humor queen hostess

Saurabh – What next??

Who am I aka Priy – I am yet to find me :P

Shiney – Am cool !! :)

Navin – I ll capture all of this :P

***************************

So on to the story rightaway… I was told there is a meet coming up on August 2nd and i thought “okay it ll be fun!!”…… It surely was!! :D

Just as a matter of fact from past experiences I had my plan B ready I took a book with me just incase…. you know… noone turns up :P yes that happens here in delhi :P specially if its general community other any software thing or entrepreneurial thing…. ppl just dont turn up… :/ Anyway back the story…

I entered the scene… and here z what it was like… I noted two people going yak yak yak and one sitting in a corner observing them kind of silently :P the best part was, they didnt realise, that they changed gears and overtook this candidate whenever she had somethin to say :P bechari…. n somethng quiet astonishing was the fact that the queen wanted to stay longer but the maharajical majesty was bored after he was left with no spice to curry his “What next”….

And our very own humour guru Surabhi .. well her potential is unquestionable and she mantained the pace right throughout :D

Girl you have some talent!! a perfect gossip guerilla …. hats off to her energy and wit !!

whatever came out of her bag was strictly confidential but so very bloggable :P also i must say there was fellow who gained all the focus of the hocus pocus :P right from the start towards the end…. :P I dont recall his name.. but he is known for proposing all the dames in the community :D “Do you have a bry frand? :P ” Okay agreed.. thats too much masala :P

then aayee thodi late lateef who had not clue of the time… or even who she was…. ”who am I?” :P she kept observing people… blushing at intervals… excusing herself for a bad throat :P whenever the needle was pointed to her :P but later on we found out that she z known for her love for pizzas and couches in pizza hut :P

But……..If there is one person who made the most of the meet was who else but Nivi…. She called to speak to everyone and boy she got all the chance to talk to so many of em… “Satsreeakal from Simranjeet”… “hello from Spriglief” (aka Springleaf; courtesy Surabhi)…. kya haal hai from Megha……. and so on….. kya kismat he uski :P and she believed all of it :P LOL!! All the roles and mimickry was again Courtesy the humour queen…. who else Sur madam :P

Yea… One more fellow barged in towards the end of the meet :P and the instant reaction from Priy was to put her bag on the seat just in case…. this gentleman accompanying another fine gentleman who was no less than a model (no kidding here) came right in asked for the phone… made the calls to 911 :p and then flinged the chair and confronted the mankind with the most perplexing gesture.. Hello!! meet?? AP :P

and then vanished in the dark like a shaktiman… boy was he quick…. and determined to just do his job the call i.e. 911 and back to evergreen eversville like Stallone…. kya entry thi by god !! :D

Finally towards the end of the meet our very own christopher columbus; the explorer who literally found half the members onboard and was the so called hostess of the meet who was multitasking all this while …. celebrating a bday party simultaneously; meeting a fella and playing brownie brownie yes papa :P …. dogfighting humor banter with another onboard pilot…. and manuevering the meet proceedings…. also gossiping abcd to xyz…. was finally silenced and quietened and brought under controlled counselling environment :P (that can be another big post .. how n what)….

Waise Surabhi has it defined and very clear either guys in her life are “brother kind of thing” i guess instantly she decides who to put in that category and who in the other :P

tch tch … so many things happened in those six hours..where Saurabh had to control the sync of where thngs are going with his “What next?” We wonder wat made him leave so early :P “What next?”

So What next? :P

I guess tht shd sum up somewat… though I can go on and on with all the things that happened … so many still to cover … may be next time ;)

And i realised we have an invisible monitoring committee at AP :P who keeps all the whereabouts of who z going around wid whom.. and who is seeing whom… and also wat are future probables :P

BEWARE GUYS!!! You are under vigilance !!! and call for thy god if SPOTTED  by the Gossip guerrillas!!! :P

*********************

All this is spiced up banter… no offences meant and no intentions to hurt anyone … so take it lightly and enjoy the story :D Thank you for being patient if u read all this crap. :D U hv some forbearance!!!

… and next time .. try and be at the meet :P

Three princess’ and a dog… :P

August4

Once upon a time,
ages ago,
there lived three sisters,
and a dog………
The sisters were the princess’
of the kingdom…
and the dog was I…

The legend has it;
they would always fight,
for every silly this n that;
and no one ever,
would even dream
to stay out of the mess,
or ever complain or cry…

Spending those two hours
in the power cut;
was the most exciting you see..
To make air bubbles
with the blank pen’s refill
big bigGER BIGGEST
BIGGEST in all that can be…

And soon it would turn
to a bugle from the bubble
and wage upon a war…
To fetch more light
from the lantern
they shared,
whilst in the darkest hour!

And that would result
in areas on mat,
to mark the four divides..
No not of anything hostile;
just to make em stay
in their plotted confines…

‘this is my space’
one would say.
‘you re the crossing the line’
- Another.
‘you better stay on ur side mister’
‘else…..I know’
‘how to get what’s mine’
‘….and forget that u re my brother’…

The youngest one,
would then take a lead,
and recite poems
in voices so loud…
Then so faithfully
to win back the glory lost,
I would double the pitch
of my sound!!

And when I speak
of voices bold
how can I not mention this..
when the princess’
would hunt the butterflies
in the gardens of yesterday
I would raise my staff
up in the air to say
‘I have the power’
‘Come to me for rescue if you may’!!

Now scenes have changed
and the times as well.
They live in the corners
of the big kingdom…
One longs to get back
and mix up well
hoping the days
shall soon again come!!!

To remember and cherish
those moments they lived once,
they send me a fine yarned thread…
and it binds us together
in warmth so firm;
and i just know it
that i am so BLESSED!!

***

This post is dedicated to my three sisters with whom i used to fight so much when i was a kid… we were made to sit n study 6-8 everyday… and my mom was very strict with the timings…. this post shares of what all adventures we had in that time… or even in the garden when I would pretend to be He-man with a sword :P and those funny enthusiastic retakes….. today i just captured it on the eve of rakhi :)

some sounds i heard…

August3

Today I speak
Of sounds I heard…
SOUNDS
I heard so many..
Some brawl, some brag
Some hush, some blush
Some….
Not even worth a penny

Some hunh.. some haan..
Some tuned.. some true.
Some driven.. some lost..
They were…
Some puns intended,
Uncashed they stayed.
Some things;
Still appear so blur

Some registered well.
Untagged some stayed
Some charged with thrill
They came!!……..
Some moments flowed;
Some raced with time.
Some pauses…
Just couldn’t fill!!

Some speculation..
Some mull to chew
Those came with
Flawless flow………….
Some words of wisdom
From a fellow comrade
Somethings
That you must know!

Some words unspoken
In smiles they said
That meant a lot
They did!……………….
Some forayed intrusion
With words all lost
With a puzzled look
To get rid!………………..

All in all,
The jazz was great
The concert
A total SUCCESS!!
On a buddy day,
Some friends you make,
What better way,
Can you be blessed!!

***

Inspired by the events at Delhi AP meet today

In response…

June25

In response to Suchitra’s post

सूरते हाल बयाँ ज़िन्दगी का किया
पल भर मैं जीवन के हर पल को जिया |
लिखते तो सब हैं ए मेरे दोस्त,
पर आपके कलम ने जो शिरकत की
आसुओं के जाम को पीकर,
मानो जश्ने अमृत उगल दिया |

गुलामे – ज़िन्दगी होते हैं लोग
पर आपकी ज़िन्दानशि की उस बरकत को सलाम |
उस कलम की हरेक आडी तिरछी हरकत को सलाम,
हसरते ज़िन्दगी की हर उस हसरत को सलाम |


tete-a-tete – a story…

June10

Like freckles,like stains making a huge blot in circumventing egos, passion, companionship or the cuddle factor; it gets difficult to co-exist. It is ruthlessly unmanageable and then you turn boring. Have you? After a daily dose of phone calls, stories, jokes, takes and complains from the quasi-human contact around, it circumfrences the same circle to the start. Emoted or not, it has to beckon like a siren someday sooner or later. Do you have an escape? Well…. I don’t think so! You turn easily expendable. Your jokes, your actions, even your serious heartfelt concerns are by large always mistaken and discharge all social batteries involved. It gives birth to silence.

Silence where you enjoy the solitude whispers, taste the salts of solace and seek ramifications for sometime, only to breach it later.Silence sometime is motivating, mostly not. Its a mere self delusion people indulge in. You are easier to unplug… And when batteries charge you join the race of cacophony without much despair, desacralization. Back on!! Using silence to connect with the chaos of humanity is rather ambitious and painful sometimes. You are so resourceful, easy and lovely and adorable. Prolly you should be a lil more uncouth, lout than gentle and noone will notice it, not even you; even when you are in the periphery horizon of human interaction. And I hope it works for you and you be happy. An easy bedaub is you look for cellphone glues. Yes. Cellphone glues are costlier affair to manage but… and it asks a lil too much in return. It is very unreal and mostly short-lived. Immersion and focus is all you need not social charade.

So I guess its time to move on. Hate it. Love it. This is how it works. The sooner you learn it the better it is for you.” – she said, as she put her favourite doll with a toy cell phone in the closet and locked it.

She was growing up.

Fantastic Five .. :)

October20

This is dedicated to the fantastic five ppl who hv added colors to my life, with their ideas, poetries, kind gesture and being…. and ofcourse also to the S & P.. Hail S & P !!!

******

On an online forum;
I met this guy – Rick.
From the very first convo,
Something between us clicked.

Topics he chose to discuss,
Are of mighty worth !
His views on em,
Always were spiritual & honest,
Modest !!
And very down to earth

********

Meeting Sunila was an interesting bend;
I said “Can I be your friend ?”
I recd one of the strangest acknowledge.
“Well before that Navin,
let me tell you this,
I can be your mom’s age.”
“How does it matter?” I said
So that is how we befriended.

She writes phantasmagoric,
Chimerical, delusive and fantastic.
You are a master at words Sunila !
Hail to thy pious attic !!

********

To add to the story’s gist
On WC I met this lady,
Belinda aka Psalmist,
Someone who is so simple
Easy going and carefree in every bit

She can put things straight.
Verses with twist,
Also in the dark writes,
That are brightly lit.

********

So things went on
Days passed.
Met so many,
Interacted with some.
Then found this girl,
The sweetest one !

Pretty Prats aka Pratibha
Or Pumpkin as I call her.
We thread together,
With no strings tied.
Someone who is honest,
And hates to be lied.

********

The last to the list,
But never the least.
He is a sheer genius;
And at grammar, a total priest.
George as we know him.
Or Spriglief you can say.

With his rich comments n expertise,
He can make your day right-away.
To the point and right on dot.
The best guy to reach,
For your new poetry’s plot

********

Many more… Many many more.
Added to the list,
And added to my core.
Whom to pick ?
And whom to write about !!
I was confused so more.
That is why for my this dive,
I randomly chose just five !!

********
(PS : S & P is an online community)

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