Continued from mail from the past -2

“She needs me and that’s why am needed? Right?” – Ram opinionated.

“That is ruthless to say. A dog sees no rainbow, doesn’t mean there isn’t any. Look for the good. Don’t pang for the worse else you ll end up digging only shit. She didn’t send that letter Ram, I did.” – said the old man, indicating his disapproval, pitching up his voice a bit.

“Nandini and I have no future!” ­– Ram exclaimed.

“The future is only for those who live to see it Ram…

Nandini chose to go away because she had no choice then.  She knew, if she didn’t move out of your life, you ld never give up on her. She knew, she is not going to last long and she didn’t want to see herself die in your eyes everyday; every fucking moment.

She made a choice Ram, a choice that was comforting for you, for her, for everyone. She knew you ld never leave her if you smell even slightest of the hints. So… she let you go.”

As the old man said this, his eyes revealed the pain, it reflected a desire to bring Ram to a different ordeal, towards his idea of right comprehension.

Ram, on the other end, tamed his feeling for her, pampered his ego and went strong on him –

“And what does it change now? Do you think saying all this to me now, will overcome the pain I ‘ve gone through, or that is to come, when she is gone? Why did she do this to me? To her?”

The old man didn’t respond, he went quiet. They stood there in a dull,  estranging slience. He gazed away, as the trees behind were swaying and crackling in the breeze; sashaying, conspiring what is going to happen next. Then he took a deep breath and looked back at Ram, eye in eye and said –

“We all scout our emotions Ram, our fear for something; our belief, our perceptions. Almost everything, to great extent is guided by these so called internal scouts. We are more of seekers than receptors of what choices we make. We need to distinguish our perceptions; which to rely on and which not. We have inself, borne our own set of logic calculations, as to what will lead to what.

We fish our own set of answers to what, why and how, of the so many possible probablities, that do happen, in different space time continueum.  In this particular dynamics, it was overpowered by her will to see you settle, more than her will to be with you, which was almost as equally strong with a difference of just a heartbeat may be, or less.  That is the only reason, she chose to go away.

He continued –

“However, her will to be with you didn’t die, and was almost equally strong, and strong enough, to bring me here to tell you this.  To make me mail that letter to you. To save you from the pangs of grief that I have felt for years and not console the lie of your optimum aspirations of a good future, that seems to be emancipated, from the reckless momentary emotion, you are going through. I am here to save you from the undeniable truth of your seperation and sorrow that is to come.

I want you to feel at peace even when she is gone.  Probably that is the reason why I am sitting here, right next to you;  so that, you don’t regret it for years after she is gone. Those unorderly, unpleasing, wild thoughts that would  result out of the choices you make right now. That choice Ram,  would unsettle everything that seems to be in sync right now.”

“I am here to save you from that calamity, cause I do know, your love for her is equally pure and strong. I am here to save you, from the hell of what you may not chose.”

Ram was puzzled, kinda conforming to the old man’s sayings, he inquired further –

“That still beats me – Why you?”

Sri smiled at him and replied –

“Every WHY can be answered in two ways Ram; the background and the intention. Background, I just gave you. Intentions, as we believe are mere expectations that project forward; to do something, some action. …And all expectations, unconcious or concious, that distinguish the living from the dead, tell us to act and move forward. Just like, the past leads to the present and the present leads to the future.

I am, however, that feeling, that expectation, that is guided backwards, I am the feeling, that will be borne out of your guilt years from now.

Look at me carefully Sriram. Its me. Its you.”

Ram stared back at him perplexed and staggered, all he could utterr was –

“Holy Shit !! Is this for real.”

(Might be continued…)

Taming fantasies in my life; Advocating against the clocK
Heading towards the ocean; to find a key to my lock.. As I plaN
Each nook and corner I scan.. Thoughts I need to attend tO

Value my trust to the brink.. but vulnerable was my arithmatiC
In every aspect I think.. Like you seeK
Rainbow when its never there; just an illusion to sink.. Struggling acrosS
Going as I please.. However foolish it may seeM
On a journey to accomplish the fallacy.. Pining to the extremE

Meddled.. Muted.. Murdered sometimes.. A chaos, that started long agO
Angry.. lost and devastated to know.. Settle.. stablize.. Identify selF
Now its time.. the time to find ME.. And restore that bricked belieF

THE VIRGO MAN KNOCKS ME OFF !!

This Double Acrostic is written for Acrostic Only.  The prompt was “The [Zodiac] Sign”. 

The Virgo man is known for his persistence, enthusiasm and a passion to explore. He is a chronic worrier but is tactful to find his way out of situations. He seeks perfection, can be difficult to get along with but values his relationships and ideas beyond belief. A Virgo man sets his own milestones, reforms, re-evaluates and rejuvenates his being  Too much good I know On the contrary sometimes this dreamer is confused to hell as well

Have tried a double acrostic for the first time yuhoo !! not bad eh

Arched rainbow;
Parched sun..
Showered with blessings.
Falls in love !!
Like charges fired
To lose all marbles.

A gallant.. Garnished Goodbye !

This funny punny take on tears .. the saga of a tear how and what gives it birth and how it bids goodbye

Written for a prompt at ABC Wednesday

C ut the cackle with
O ccam’s razor.
N ail the lie, not
V ent your spleen.
E ye the truth, but;
R attle not sabres.
S alt not a mine;
A ce not the ACHILLES’ heel.
T hick and fast,
I ncline my ears,
O ut with it!!
N ip it in bud.. lets
S eize the day !!

A dark write for the prompt at ACROSTICS ONLY

Like a breeze you came;
And the flowers bloomed;
But as the scent spread,
The valley was doomed.

I ll need some time;
For only me !
To understand “Its over !!”
And I have to fly free.
To realize am dead
Just let it be !!

Abandoned grief with

A SHADOW DANCING !!!

Prompted by Acrostic Only

Written in response to a friend…
Keep smiling dear !! Things will be fine they gotta be .. but in the process dont lose people who care for you .. some are rare to find .. and some i tell you are so concious that you would just lose em like that .. i hope you get what am pointing at .. cheers … take care .. God bless … I am just sharing what your friends might have felt

Calls were dropped;
Messages stopped.
Wondering…
Where she’z gone.
Out of the blue,
SUDDENLY…
How and what went wrong ?

Sound of breakers;
Noising on the shore.
Scurrying up higher;
Higher and more.

This I scribbled sometime back and I thought I wont publish this, its random brew, ewww.. but today when I read it again.. I said – what the heck. I just will. Who cares.

The question .. what is your idea of a perfect date? well, usually i keep saying .. a perfect date is a perfect moment with a person who you consider perfect for that moment.. when.. what.. where.. how.. doesn’t matter.. only ‘who’ matters.. and the time, the moment, is the TIME of ur life.. but then if u ask me my idea of a perfect date ..well.. i think it would be close to nature.. it would be near the sea outside a forest.. it would be dancing on shore; dancing some ballroom dance on the seashore, during the sunset when the waters will wash your feet and we look into each others eyes and just get lost in the moment .. nothing else would matter.. no one else would matter.. not even if the world was coming down..

It could be a walk mincing along, hand in hand, with the girl; the girl of your life, on the shore, to the sea .. dicing on the moist sand or sitting on the rocks; together.. to witness the sun go down when the sparkle in her eyes would brighten you up like nothing before.. when a smile so pleasing comes out and is meant only for you.. noone else…nothing else.. when you realise you are the reason for the blush, the heavy breath, the whisper that is meant for you.. yes the whisper, even when no one’s around.. aint that beautiful ! The moment stops.. and is as intoxicating as your first roll in the hay.. as delightful, as energising, as tense, as your first kiss… you can hear the clock ticks, just as louder, as your heart thumping, two spans away .. when every second of time, has a song of its own .. a rhythm that plays sweeter & sweeter and sweeter, when the waves roar and try to fly higher and higher, so mystified, craving and longing, to date the moon .. when the moon shines in all its glory, to charm the sea..

Or it could be, the jungle, when the crickets go crazy creaking, when the air, the breeze touches your skin to get you goosebumps, just as if something is gonna happen.. something you dont know .. when you start breathing heavy to take as much amount of the scent of the moist soil and the smell the skin right next to you, at a distance of about a meter away .. A song just happens to come out of nowhere.. starts playing itself … in you .. inside you .. and you almost get pinned to your desires in the cold breezy night.. you suddenly start feeling so hungry .. hungry for …. well… not food, but you settle for dinner together… a date .. and while you chew, you realise that every bit of food you eat is so tastier.. and yummier… as if you never had something like it before .. whether, the weather adds in the secret ingredient, or the surroundings, or your partner .. well you dont know, but it definitely is fabulously delicious.. enriching savoury and extremely pleasing… dining with your to-be the shore… a candle lit dinner .. with just one candle.. or even a fire would do.. and then spend some time talking, holding hands, sitting next to the fire.. or just lying, next to each other and witnessing the beauty of the moon, under the starry skies, enjoying the rhythm of the waves that hug the shore, being together in one sleeping blanket .. oh yes, you just be there, in no man’s land… camping.. watching the stars.. spending a night, in one camp, to get up in arms of her.. and witness her sleeping, when the birds fly high up in the sky; and you find the first morning rays; the twilight, shine upon us and slowly, the diamond in the sky, attends to its throne.. and then, may be a song, just sings itself.. a song for the perfect moment, for the perfect night with a perfect person in your life…

These are the thoughts, that were churned up, by a dream, i had this morning, which was kinda a theomaturgical fantasy, cos I got up fresh, at four in the morning, and i was singing … singing my own song.. which i had not even written .. just rhyming.. when i said to myself – Holy God !! this is good, i should capture it.. i hate thumb typing.. but i captured it all in my cell.. and then after i did it, felt like singing it again .. and this time i recorded it.. it was a strange feeling, pleasurable and content, to hear it back over and over .. it wasnt something too good, or out of league, but it was different .. this had never happened to me before; lost in thoughts, dreaming of i know not what, i slept again…

The song, when i tuned into that, a couple of days after, didnt seem so magical as it was, i guess it was something to the charm of moment that kinda intoxicated a feel that was mesmerising.. appealing to the charisma and had some magnetic twinkling effect on me that morning.. here is the song…

You are my saviour now.
Do me a favor now.
Lets hear our hearts say.
Aye moments. STAY.

Dont eva you corner me
Why cnt we jst be?
Lets live the moments now.
Each nite. Each day !

When I see us there.
We make a lovely pair.
I have smthing to say.
Baby just Stay.

Will you be my dear.
You have nothing to fear.
I dont knw wat to say..
Darling just Stay.

We have a life to live.
Pleasured moments to give.
Moments when world stops.
Moments when I pray.
STAY.

I cant put into words.
How much I love u bird.
Lets build our own nest.
Live life to bestest.
Lets just together be.
For all eternity.
Sweetie just STAY.

“The reports are here.”

Thats wat the message said. My legs went numb; the tips went cold. Nothing new I thought, may be its just the cold weather out there. Well, I have had my share of understandings & flawsophies and intutions; something that I have been trying escape from. Something which bears much more layers which am afraid to unravel, unmask.

Something is not right and I can sense it. The message somewhat added more asterisks to it; extrapolated my fear exponentially. Well, Its something I cant express. Yes, this has happened to me before and I dont want to go through it again. Almost like a film that you watch over and over. I dont know if its Deja vu or X Y Z but its something I would rather not get into. Not again. Yea this sounds so weird. Aint it. Well it is somewhat crazy. Strangely, this time it happened when I was in a totally different mood and in a totally different scenario; people giving their round of intros after the heritage walk; and it was my turn. I don’t know what I blabberd or what came out and how, but ever since then am wondering, why it happened to me. What is come? Am I just trying too hard to hear or is that am too much under the strain. Coz .. the message doesnt even say anything about the what the report says.

My granny has been ill for sometime now .. She is eighty five, if am not wrong.. With what I have seen her all my life I can tell ya she is the most harmless creature I have ever seen. She can do no bad to anyone.. Never ever killed an insect.. Yea.. she is religious and all the more spiritual. I appreciate her for her patience and concern for people around, with the best she can. The way she has kept our so big family together is something really commendable. Something which the women of today is not so capable of doing. Selfless offering. She has never ever meant harm to anyone, knowing or uknowingly.. I wonder why anyone like her, has to go through such bizzare extremes, such strains at this stage of her life. Today morning I got a call that somewhat confirmed it. The report says a lobe in her right lung is affected with cancer.

Is it all, already scripted plots we play. Is it just a puppet show where we live the helical circles and keep falling in the rabbit hole and in the mean time dream through so many expressions and feelings. Its like you suddenly realise, the life you seem to rule is nothing, nothing but a dream where the dream leads you; you dont lead, but then we are so happy to fool ourselves to think may be we are. And this happens most of the time. We bother not to get into useless yakking what we call it. Well, If this has occurred to you, you ll start wondering if you actually enjoy it or if the life you lived was even yours or not. If you could actually do anything to change it, or just be a part of it. Specially when it fast-forwards to the end; the so called end. I wonder why does it have to be so all the more painful. Its like if the god is watching us and the best we can do is to keep him entertained. Is it?

May be this is just a random musing or a phase of thoughts may be. What is it; well that am yet to decipher? Some wise men say Its our duty and we can do nothing more. Rather better to live it than waste your time fighting with answers. I dont know if that makes sense.