xor eax, eax

Change the world or go home !!

contentment

April23

Strange that we find contentment in not who we are, but who we are trying to be. Yes the former is limiting but isn’t that also capable of joy in small moments. I had a very friend who was perfect at handling me in everything. My small setbacks and not so small ones too. The best pal one can ever wish for. A godsend. She was so much in tune that all of it seemed almost effortless. Effortless to the extent that I would refer to as magical.And I would wonder what did I do to get such a friend. Was I just plain lucky. Or did I earn it. I was happy to have her around. And I hope it was the same for her.

Much later in the story, when she was struggling n crumbling with some tragedies in her life, she let it out that and I realized there was so much effort involved at her end, to make it seem “effortless” to me. She held back her anger, her disappointment. I don’t remember many occurrences but then I was not even aware of it, until lately, when the bridge came down. Now when I look at it, I really value that feeling, that person and those efforts. And I feel blessed, but more than that I feel guilty and irritated that I screwed up and I didn’t realize. I was unaware.

I am of a different kind. I make efforts but I also don’t hold things back. I am who I am and some times that costs me big time. I am as understanding or as rowdy or as jerk as I was. I hold no disguise. Thats perhaps also not right. May be I should. I am not sure but I cant seem to put up with the idea of sharing yourself without sharing who you actually are.

So do I make efforts? Yes I do. I did. Then why does it go wrong? Why aren’t we friends anymore. May be as two individuals we are different, but whatever it was, we did strike the right chords. The time we spent together was no less than good music. It was special. It is worth the effort to play it lifelong. It certainly was. And when that thought hits me, I feel left out, guilty, lonesome and angry.

Life becomes a small world if we don’t reach out for people and keep busy in the humdrum of our daily chores. I have done it to me. May be to punish me or teach me, or may be because I have lost my sense of focus and direction. This business, while it keeps us all engaged, when you actually look at it from a distance, there is not much ground we ‘ve covered. We re good at something and keep getting better or worse at that; while the time trickles away quickly and neatly. And whenever that thought occurs to me, I try to immerse into doing new things. Taking up new hobbies. Random excursions, small yet random things to surprise me; keep me hooked and engaged, but the issue with that is that I don’t seem to finish most of them. They seem low hanging fruits but they continue to just be where they are with not much movement. I pursue them in parallel and that makes me fickle minded. I am not dedicated to either of em. I do this and then that thinking I will love to see me accomplish it and the time passes by. I do accomplish some of them but most of them continue to be unfinished to-do lists. That brings me back to the same vicious circle, where I seek solace and contentment in not who I am but who I want to be.

I sometimes fear if my whole life will pass by doing just this, just like that. Just like that. When will this odyssey end. Will I ever find solace. Will I ever find a companion who would love me for who I am, and not for what I can become or who she would want me to be. Having said that, I know I would willingly accept the change, most of it, if not all. But certainly I don’t like that idea of a barter. I know am at loss but thats that and thats how it is. May be some day I ll learn.

Carthage

April19

Atop a small hill witnessing the sun set. I don’t know whether it was the urge to get away from things and schedule or whether it was to create one. May be it was just a grand scheme’s appeal to better the day up a notch. I took my car and drove into the jungle like terrain. Parked my car at a place among nowhere, surrounded by small cliff like structures. Feel like committing self to something absolute, whether life or truth or beauty, I have no clue. But a complete surrender to some higher purpose. We live a life of schedule and order and need. While at the same time I do not wish something extraordinary. In fact ordinary drives me as much towards itself. Ordinary is being lost in crowd. Its about being content with what is there. Does that kill the drive or is that another drive in itself. Like if I talk about this feeling I had today. Staring in to the infinity, absently in the distance; I don’t call it sad. Nor is it some kind of joy. It is perhaps some kind of an un-understood void. Or much like some kind of musical rivalry with the silence.

Have I become intensely private? Or am I just tight lipped. One thing is for sure I do not voice my opinions in the public. Is it because am not too sure of things. Is it because it is shallow? Or is it because I do not conform to the idea of acceptance. Or perhaps it is just a mask I am not ready to shed yet. What if I sound silly with those expressions? Does that bother me? Could be. Or may be the outlet is too narrow and does not suffice. Its a crusade on self. It is intrusion of ideas. It is fuzzy mixing of still incomplete truths, which only a disguise can confirm as well as contain. Curious fish!

Clear sky… Blurred eyesight… Twinge of twilight; merging in the blue hour in an abandoned place. Much needed respite. Now its time to go.

iktara and me

April7

At the end of the day, most of us aspire to invest in creative ways to yield remarkable insights to translate our wounds to significant art or thought. They nurture it like a plant that they can keep and also live with, without any complains. After all, those times did matter!

***

Last evening an old friend of mine visited me. Her boyfriend was to accompany her and we were to have a movie night out at my place but he got occupied with something and couldn’t come. So, the idea of “movie night” went down the gutters and we ended up having a night long conversation with her, sharing stores, seeking remarkable insights here and there.

So much has happened in the recent times that I do not even clearly recall the chronology of events, yet in our helter skelter way of conversation that we usually get into; we talked about work, love, life and gyan around it. We opine on a lot of things and mostly agree. Guess thats what one seeks when things are a little unsettled. So we spoke all night till it was morn and birds started chirping outside and we were tired and put off to sleep. Having been kind of sleep deprived all night, I had a good dose of sleep in a long time. No dreams. No thoughts. No nightmares. Absolute peace. It didn’t stay for much long and the devil in my head resumed its position, but I loved the calm even if it was for a short while.

Last evening was a good one too. Not that I spoke much but it was nice. Another friend had also joined us and we had our dinner at Dilli Haat. I dont know what drives these girls to these places, when don’t intend to visit with a motive to buy. This girl went there for “Sabudaane ki khichdi”. While after dinner I agreed, it was not a bad decision and worth the visit. The traffic was bad. Getting the car parked was no less than a nightmare.

The best thing that happened this evening, was the iktara, that this friend of mine got for me. An “iktara” is a single stringed instrument that is played with a bow. The idea is much resonant with my life these days. Am single and life is playing me like a bow with upstrokes and down. The sound is a little scratchy and edgy. It is no less than noise. It needs some “rosin”, some tuning and some practice. The thought itself brought me back some enthusiasm! And I casually like a kid mentioned that she gets me one before we return and she did; on a condition that I don’t get to play it that night and amuse the the dogs around my apartment. :D I agreed. I could live with that.

So today, when this friend of mine left for her home, and it was quiet all over again; I had a new muse and some noise that I could invite at will, to live with. After ten minutes or so, I was able to play Twinkle Twinkle and it was a feeling no less than an achievement. :P It is interesting to see how small triggers can lift you up for the moment. It did. I managed to play some more and then took turns on guitar, on keyboard and then on flute. I have managed to get my hands on all of these very recently. I dont have an ear for music. Nor do I have the voice. :P But I do know one thing about me that if i spend some time with these I will accomplish me some noise that I d like to hang out with; and that trigger is good enough i suppose. So this leads to another interesting idea. I am planning to take a break from work for a week and immerse myself in music for a while. I will try and play.

In pursuit of an answer

July19

Have you had a dream lately? What was it about? Did you think about it?

These are some questions I asked me and here is what I came up with.

As a kid I often enjoyed my dreams. I believed and considered them to play a part somewhere in the real world that would matter. I believed that dreams somewhere provide us with the opportunity to re-live our past and influence our future in some ways. May be we could look at the possibilities in our life without a bias; live our fears and at the same expectations with uncertainties of how things may pan out. Much like what would happen in real life. Some of my dreams, now that I think of it, act as a checklist of where things can go wrong. Situations where we should be careful and pay heed to what can happen. And then there are some experiences that made me believe that Deja Vu is for real…And yet some dreams I pray should never ever come true. These are of gore, violence and shame.

Interestingly now that I realize, most often there was a pattern to how these dreams would start for me. It was no less glamourous or colorful than an exquisitely done pre-movie credits clip. Patches of different colours would sublime forming into circles, diffusing into one another, finally mixing into hues of dark bluish prussian tinge(much like it is in the blue hour) followed by stars and orbs creating beautiful patterns of dim twinkling light; sometimes gleam dark silhouettes of people turning to me with a gentle stare in the eye; much again like the starting credits of a movie. This is true, no matter how funny it may seem to you :O

Unexplained as it stands today why most of my dreams would suddenly merge into visions that still haunt me to date. Like this one. Kind of like ruins of an alley; decomposed with time, dark and dingy, kind of echoing strange murkiness leading into hallways, with staircase entrances with stairs on both sides and slide in the middle. These staircases would lead to big beautiful verandahs often leading to something like tower houses, usually found in all corners of a fort. The slide between those stairs strangely makes me believe were meant as water passage. God knows for what.

In other dreams, often flashbacks would lead me to scenes where am fighting on the move; sometimes with swords and other occasions with guns. Sometimes on a horseback in the ancient times and others much recently. Most of these I slay down as bogus as a result of my movie watching spree. Or may be this is what makes such movies interesting for me :P Don’t know which way it is. Or if it is both ways. According to some philosopher (that flawsopher is me :P ) our life and the direction we are headed usually banks or is result of three urges in human mind – the itch, the glitch, the switch. The itch is the wanna be desire, the craving that feeds the idea of a goal. The glitch is something that one faces when he/she pursues an itch. And the switch is denial of the pursued. This usually leads to another itch :P (You need to find an itch guard now :D Heheh. Kidding.)

So before we start, some background about me. I am a non violent person who would stay away from getting into fights as much as possible. So this is much of a contrast. And just to clarify, this is something that I dont want to be. I dont aspire to be. To be simply put there is no itch.

Yet here is the glitch in the “no itch”. :P (Ah! Difficult concept this is. Will take time for you to master :P )

Now on to the story.

I remember this part of a dream, where I had assassinated some Nazi General, who was shooting random people at will. While in this particular dream, I remember that i used a pistol to shoot him from on top of a building, I threw it away just after killing him knowing that I may need it again. His cry resulted in alerting the soldiers to come out of their garrison to secure the perimeter and alarming the bell indicating a high alert. Sensing that the alarm has gone off, I realized I had no escape and i took shelter in a school near by, where the children were made to sit, apparently guarded by some Nazis who were less bothered until the alarm went off. Soon we heard them talking that the soldiers were commanded to ask the group of children to appear before their commander. They were to stand in the school ground waiting for him to arrive. I am a reasonably tall man. Certainly taller than school kids. So, I was sweating with fear of getting caught and executed. (I dont remember what happened to me though.)

———-x———x——–x———

In one of the other dreams, I was part of such a troop myself(not Nazi though; and I don’t know which time this exactly was and which country). What I remember is that among the guys there would always be competition held(here is where the dream would start usually) where one could win a pack of cigarettes(I dont smoke either) and to be able to do that, one would require to accomplish a task that would actually give you run for your money. While these days offered some entertainment, other days most often would be tiresome and boring with not much to do. And then there were times that would give you a run for your life instead of money. The company would be ordered to cover grounds against the enemy fire, running right into them. The drill I felt, was a much rehearsed one – Fire and Move; which involves running towards the enemy in a straight line and then go flat on the ground, returning fire as cover fire for the next person who is supposed to gain some more ground. This would continue till we ve reached our milestone or till we have scared the enemy away or have them neutralized. While doing this, we often discussed how the words of our commandent echo in our ears like un-sweet symphony. Words often repeated during our briefing, would play like a background score, that none of us liked.

Something like – “The drill would end in three possibilities. If you dont run in straight line you d be dead. If you dont get down on the ground in time you d be dead. If you dont fire your weapon and cover your private you d be dead.”

To us, that meant there was a good chance we are going to die sooner or later. We were also told there is a good chance we ll encounter a rocky ground or a thorny bush if the drill is done as instructed. That did happen according to Murphy bastard. Everyone was determined to kill him if we found him. (I d feel this grudge against him, which is why I mentioned it here)

Murphy’s law states – “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”

This however, in all occasions is still better than getting killed so I always followed instructions word by word. Now, i never got killed, because I woke up every time.. but at the same time the pressure and fear of hanging by a thin thread of luck gives you much shivers and sweat than you could imagine. And I have lived it much like first hand. (Still unsure how this would feel in reality. And I do not want to know)

——–x———x——–x——–

While I have often dreamt of heroic stories, there are also some funny ones that I never talk about, because I never wanted the objectification of a clown subjected to the audience with whom I d share such a story. Like in one of the dreams long long ago, (I was still a school going kid then) my report card gets eaten by a cow and my teacher wouldn’t believe and asks me to get the cow as witness.

Another story that was a milestone and I still cant stop laughing when I think of it.

I get to my school all dressed and when am half way through, I realize I forgot to wear my trousers :P Now this did give me shivers of shame as to how should i go back. :P All was good till I realized the mess I was in… (Hahah :D ) and when I woke up; O boy was it a relief!

Some of my encounters with people and places led me to understanding a lot things that I appreciate as of date and some that I still cant put a finger on it. One such story is…

As a kid I told my dad about a temple and a house(in a village) I had never visited in all my life. In fact didn’t even know about. This place is Nepal. We have some of our ancestral land there. When I described it to him, he was surprised yet he discounted this experience as just another story. I grew up and it so happened that I was in Nepal visiting some distant relatives after attending some wedding in Bihar.
This trip was an unplanned one. I had to accompany my grandfather to this place. When we reached this place, it was dark. We were offered our meals after which we went off to sleep. When I woke up, it was a beautiful morning. The air was chill and the place was serene. I decided to take a morning stroll. There was a door that led to the garden. I pushed the door open and I realized I have been here before. I had goosebumps. I had seen this place. I found the scenery familiar. When I found the temple, I was sure it was the place I had visited in my dream. I had lived this experience before.

When I came back I spoke to my dad. He then confirmed that he had an idea with what I had described to him, but couldn’t understand how could i possibly talk about this place when I didn’t even know it existed.

——–x———x——–x——–

We all know about this. This is popularly referred to as Deja Vu. In other western societies this phenomena is known as OBE(Outer Bodily Experience still unexplained by modern science)

One of the feats that I most enjoy during these lucid dreams is to be able to fly. This is particularly interesting because this can be done in no matter what kind of dream I am in. The experience and visions manifested by the subconscious mind while doing this trick is incredibly liberating. It is a super fast way visiting places. Tele-porting is another trick I love to perform but it is not as fascinating as flying is :P

While most of what I shared above could be tagged as stories of subconscious mind playing the melody on a flute when it can, there are also stories that asks us to pause and question how possibly these continue to happen. How possibly these feel like making sense. Does all of it is nonsense? Or is there a story underneath that would be interesting to hear.

I don’t believe in religion. I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in Evil. And there are other unexplained stories of my own that I dont subscribe to. Neither as a dream, nor as a reality. I wont mention them here.

However, time and again I do want to know what drives people to believe in spirits, God and Devil. I believe some of the unexplained stories that question the reality and science as we know it is what we attribute to these superstitions and beliefs. Dreams being a major part of it. Thus my reason to capture my experiences. Am sure there are other unexplained phenomenas other than dreams, that savages referred to as spirits and souls; intelligence that

“Does not know the bond of time
Nor wear the manacles of space”

These occurrences of hallucinations, clairvoyance, deja vu, hypnotism apart from others remain unexplained by science as opposed to others in the sense of dreams(work of conscious and unconscious mind), split personalities etc. that are explained to some extent.

Some of the experiences that we usually have could be well discounted as worthless, while some like aforesaid are universally accepted facts. I am now inclined to find the anthropological evidence as to how these experiences led men to believe in souls and spirits; which I believe could be the starting point of birth of the concept of religion. These spirits then must have been branded as good and evil; from good dreams and scary nightmares. People must have started worshipping what they were scared of – that is paganism; Sun God, Rain God etc. which led to idol worship later on as exaggeration of the same norm. By the anthropological evidence and history that we know of now, this led to the idea of supreme being – one God beating the idea of so many gods; which was difficult to understand and follow. These have finally led to the concept of spiritual gods these days; harnessing as much terror and politics and movement out of people as the movers desire.

When I started writing this post it was only about my silly dreams that I dont see so often anymore. Just to keep journal of whatever I remember of them; specially now that it has become rare. Most of these dreams just fade away as we wake up. While some of these dreams did repeat for me, I never saw them to the end. And realizing this at the very final instant every time when the dream was about to get over, I d sleep more just to see more of what will happen. It didn’t happen. Doesn’t work that way. I researched more to find that this is called lucid dreaming. (Am still digging as much as i can to find more and more about it.)

The idea of knowing about the history of religion and how it has managed to capture masses to drive them towards sanity and away from it to insanity, is much a paper for research. To me it is becoming a topic I d like to know more about. And the more and more I see and read about it, I believe people, politics and power play a huge part in this evolution. Be it Pagan worship, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism or Buddhism. Religion is either by product or crafted product of the needs of people; men and women, stronger and weaker, rich and poor alike. It is means of propagating masses to do or not do something; by ingraining a belief to not question its own existence. I on the contrary ask you to believe and lead a life that your people tell you to, till you are intelligent enough to validate, take care and question the need by virtue of which these rules should be enforced or dropped in your life to comply with.

The purpose of religion was to unite humanity, not to unite against humanity. Religion as we know it today, I believe, it unites less, divides more. Let us pause and think about it. Let us pause, and think like we think about our dreams in real and unreal worlds. Let us put evil aside. Let us jest with humor. Let us try to understand the unfathomable without superstition. Let us opine. Let us question.

(PS: Thank you for bearing with the typos and the grammatical errors that is very likely to have creeped in. I wrote it late in the night half dreaming and opining at the same time :P …plus I don’t have a proof reader :D )

love across the fable

February22

You may have heard people say I love him/her more than anyone else. You cant do much about that comparative statement. You see people coining it every now and then. But…. Love cant be measured. It is the context you define and the one that contains it. You may inhale exhale the very existence of this definition in your life but the reprimand is two-fold. To love. And to be loved.

You may chose to believe whats more important in the whole process. You may chose to say its your feelings. But its only the choice that we prioritize and chose to make the focal point of our perspective. There is more to it. What brings to us in any perspective we chose, is just a view of how we see life and everything around it. It may and may not be the same. An analysis to that level prolly makes life seem more arranged, more contrived, more unreal.

What is engineered in the learning unlearning process is not an instrument, not a flute, but the melody. A melody that drives us like Krishna drove the herd. It is magical and we get led into it. Some play it good. Some play it bad. Some are extraordinary. This again is subject to who tunes and connects to what. Its a choice we make. Something that is phantasmagorically beautiful the previous moment, transitions to clouded visions the next moment. What will explain that? It is about how we suit ourselves with our presets in those containers. We change. We grow. We move on. We seek.

What I happen to realise is that prolly its just a vibrant balanced journey that we seek. Once you find someone who strikes the balance for you, is prolly a soul-mate but that still doesnt make him/her a champion musician who would strike the same chords again and again. There may be variations and thats where i see ripples arise. I also accept variations with too much of love would constrain it; too much of care would make it clingy; too much of protection transitions to possessiveness. But love is prolly a chaos with some method to madness. It is not a mission. It has no set objectives. Being a human, I also cant say its self-less. It is anything, but un-understood realisation of a seeking that is still to be achieved. Once achieved, its compromised. Its a goner. I believe the madness should prevail. That keeps it going.

So all I would pray is keep seeking, get seeked and enjoy the melody that is played for you. Freedom is no freedom. Its a curse!

Love – across the table…

February18

Today I had a good conversation with a friend of mine sipping coffee. With valentines day just passing by, what better topic would it be other than love and how it affects our lives. After some discussion we sidelined impersonal love for a moment and chose to limit our scope to interpersonal love. We were wondering what makes it happen? And how long will it last? Why we are so psychologically dependent on that kind of love? And how we try to judge it every now and then?

You ll find a lot many who believe their love will never fade and also many who would claim there is no such thing called love. Whatever choices we make and chose to believe are based on our history of educated guesses from our past experiences; conscious and sub-conscious ones. Lets blanket this aside for a moment. The word love itself can have various interpretations with distinct meanings in different contexts. And nature of love is a topic of an unended debate and also a frequent one. What most interests the debaters is when it comes to whether its a mamillian drive similar to hunger or thirst or its a cultural need and social phenomenon; or rather something else may be.

Dictionary says – Love can be aroused as physical attraction & need and it can lead to emotional bonding and vice versa.

As a cultural shift, its more likely to take a physical to emotional route these days. Greeks put it in different senses agape and eros. Where agape is the ‘love of the soul’, eros is the ‘love of the body’. Agape is regardless of the parameters and defines, of what the one you love should do or does. Its more of an obsession and passionate liking. Everything else is demeaned in the process. Whereas eros is about physical interaction and beauty that feeds the fuel of burning passion. It is however difficult to separate one from the other. Hindus have it clearly defined as kama and prem. Like Bhagwad Geeta puts it kama is about bhog.. and prem is about yog. Radha’s love for Bhagwan Krishna was yog and Krishna’s love for his eight wives are examples of bhog.

Like hindus, ancient romans(latins) focus more on love with interpersonal persepective. Significance of love in their culture is very noticeable. If you notice Rome(roma) is an anagram for amor which means sensual passionate love and romance. In Ars amatoria(The art of love) Ovid covers all kinds of love. He has also written a guide to dating :P (This will be an interesting find for many :P Go read!! :P  http://tkline.pgcc.net/PITBR/Latin/ArtofLoveBkI.htm ) The chinese see it as confucianism and mohism(universal love). This gets interesting on how we found it. It so happened that we were talking, while a chinese fellow was sitting next to us who got interested and joined us in the conversation. He said love(ai) in their roots is considered a serious thing; he would prefer to say i love you to his girlfriend rather than the same in mandarin(wo ai ni). If he had to say it in traditional chinese language he would prefer using it in a lighter context “wo xiuan ni” which means I like you.

Now while conversing what kept coming to us unanswered was how do we know when a love is pure love for the soul or just love for the body. And how can we determine how long it will last, if its love for the body, it may fade away sooner or later, which is a big concern to all the couples out there, who are yet to solidify the bond and also those who are ringed together, but are concerned and scared to death with thoughts that their partner may indulge in extra-marital affairs. It boils down to question of trust. I have seen some people who would just breach the unset norms in the shadow of their possessiveness and being protective. Americans, are the best of the lot when it comes to dissolved boundaries. They are capable of falling in love again and again :P They have an average rate of marriage vs divorce ratio as 2:1, whereas indians and some other communities, see it as a life long attachment.

We listed that are three ways love usually happens. It can be through companionship, it can be passionate love(the concept of soulmates) or it can be just physical need. Now at first instance, it is very difficult to draw line between the second and the third. Say for eg. You see someone at some random place, and that very instant you feel the connection. You feel something magical happening. You say to yourself – This is the one. Just a gaze from them is enough to ignite your senses. But if this happens to you seeing every girl/boy now and then then most likely its the third one. Now, coming back to first type, this one we see we happening around us so often. You ll find kids falling to this type in schools, colleges and your colleagues offices. What is strikingly strange is that once the couple is subjected to different environments the love magically vanishes the same way it magically started for them :P

It is often noted that the psychological need has a big share contributing, which transforms into need and finally into physical need. The transition and the shares may differ, case to case and also how the two sexes involved see it. Where girls from a not so rich background, opt more for a relationship based on psychological need; girls from a fairly rich background seek the physics, chemistry and biology of it. However, it also noticed that girls get attracted more to guys, with an adventurous, carefree life with a harley davidson and a rockstar profile. Across the table all agreed to this :P These so called bad guys are not so faithful like those with the nice guy syndromes but they still win the battle…eventually lose the war but how is that different with the nice guys. :P As opposed to the same concept, we laughed at how the nice guys are not so nice. They can be more shrewd strategists. Its a long debatable topic, with different opinions and their containers. So after a long debate, we finally agreed that universal truth is – Girls like the bad guys nevertheless :P …. prolly because, rude or whatever they are, they are very honest in their approach but ruthless in their behaviour. And emotions and tears drive these nuts madly, but sadly they get sacrificed in the process. :P

We shifted our focus to more leading question “How do we know this is longterm. This is the kind of love we want to seek lifelong.” And what we found us was this

Love is not just about falling in love. Its about falling in love again and again. Just like you want to have sex again & again. The objectives may be different and so may be the chemistry, but the physics of premise is the same. Ideally, it is about falling in love with the same person over and over, rather than falling out of love and falling for someone else again. Many marriages miss the intimacy in their love for each other and lose out for the same reason. In words often heard it is “it becomes mechanical”. Years of courtship and romance cannot guarantee this. It only happens if they believe in one another blindly. Prolly thats why they say – Love is blind!

Easily explained, It is free from the constraints of unrequited love. Its like even the usual monotony can feel like contentment – a complete relish at the end of the day, if things are lined up fine. And it doesn’t take much long, to find out that mere passion, which sides around sexual gratification, is not sufficient in itself to build a long-lasting relationship. I have seen guys talk about their companionship and how it is stimulated by all the five senes. Smells good, feels good, tastes good, sounds good and looks good. And they seem to have a perfect pleasant company, that makes em feel HAPPY. Still this doesnt last so long, It doesnt always withstand the pressure of time. It gets seized. As we grow, we grow out of this love, rather than growing with it, or growing in it. As we grow, there are changes and some are about lifestyle and thinking, some are about needs and concerns but somehow they believe, they feel, it has reached an end. Thats where both the parties move on in different directions. It has trouble maturing into “Forever”. Forever is prolly not forever anymore. Or may be it never was. Its just a lose term may be. Having talked about that, just for a moment stop and think. it has happened to most of us. Isnt it? and we moved on…

However, in the “love for a soul” or what we know as agape, from greeks; it has no set qualifications. It has no restraints. It doesnt say – if you do this i ll love you. It doesnt say – you should change this or this should change between us. It has no fine print. You just choose to given in. You choose to accept them the way they are, with whatever they have or dont have. It becomes – “I need you” rather than “You need me”. It doesnt seek gain. It doesnt seek gratification. The pursuit itself is self-satisfying. But this can be a fallacy and delusional at the same time. Aint it? You ll end up writing poems, celebrating your pain.

I believe the more we help our partners achieve their full potential in life, the closer we get to maturity. Its the only sane route. Demonstrating that selfless desire for them to gain, is the strongest base for building lasting relationships. But its most difficult to exercise and it doesn’t come so naturally unless you find the right soul, when Its contentment!

Installing reliance Broadband+ on fedora linux part three

September10

Welcome to chapter three of the Reliance Broadband+ installation. We ve done enough to make it work. Now we will iron out the changes and glue the changes to the system so that we dont have to run the flurry of commands over and over again and again.

First of all we will make the usb_modeswitch to do the job automatically everytime the usb is inserted.

You have followed the steps in http://navindutta.com/wordpress/2009/09/installing-reliance-broadband-on-fedora-linux-part-one/

Now lets continue make the usb cdrom to usb modem switch automagic ;) .. so all this is will be done when you insert the device in usb

#vim /etc/udev/rules.d/70-persistent-cd.rules

Append the following to the end of the file

ACTION==”add”, ATTRS{idVendor}==”19d2″, ATTRS{idProduct}==”fff5″,
RUN+=”/usr/bin/usb_modeswitch”

ACTION==”add”, ATTRS{idVendor}==”19d2″, ATTRS{idProduct}==”fff1″,
RUN+=”/sbin/modprobe
usbserial vendor=0×19d2 product=0xfff1 maxRSize=12288 maxWSize=8192

Once this has been done run the following and then plug your modem in and run this command to load the newly set rule.

#udevadm control –reload-rules

Now if you notice you dont have to run the usb_modeswitch everytime you plug in the modem. It is done automagically.. Cool !! :D aint it? as well as teh modprobe for high speed access.

Everytime you want to connect to the internet you just need to run the command

#wvdial

Thats it!!! There you go :D Have fun!!

Installing reliance Broadband+ on fedora linux part two

September8

Was fairly satisfied with 60kbps speed on average with the Reliance Broadband+ connection using Zte AC2726 modem, when I stumbled upon an article saying the usbserial kernel module isnt designed for high speed access and has a bottleneck which caps the speed to over 60 kpbs on an average.

(You can check how to set it up here at the link below)

http://navindutta.com/wordpress/2009/09/installing-reliance-broadband-on-fedora-linux-part-one/

Hmm… Not quiet what we want when we pay for 3.1MBpS.. This should be dealt with; but how.

After hours of toil I figured out how to do this. Lets setup the kernel compiling environment. We update our kernel; install kernel source packages and kernel header files for compiling the hacked usbserial kernel module.

(My kernel version was 2.6.27.30-170.2.82.fc10.i686)

Lets do this.

#yum update kernel
#yum install kernel-devel
#yum install kernel-headers

After this I tried to build a custom kernel but it kept failing. This was taken care of after I installed the ncurses dependency package for kernel compiling.

#yum install ncurses-devel

Okay..after installing ncurses-devel package lets see if we can build the kernel.

#cd /usr/src/kernels/`uname -r`/ && make menuconfig

Yes we can :D GEE …YUHOO … it gives a pretty menu like interface .. so we are ready to build our patched usbserial.ko ;)

Lets locate the source file

#locate usb-serial.c

Output
#########################
/usr/local/bin/ztemtApp/zteusbserial/2.6.27/usb-serial.c
#########################
End Output

Lets copy this file the kernel module compiler directory for usbserial

#cp /usr/local/bin/ztemtApp/zteusbserial/2.6.27/usb-serial.c /usr/src/kernels/`uname -r`/drivers/usb/serial/

Make a backup if something goes.

#cp /usr/src/kernels/`unname -r`/drivers/usb/serial/ /home/nick/Desktop/usbserial_emergency_backup

Copy the files from the running usbserial module to build directory
#cp /usr/local/bin/ztemtApp/zteusbserial/2.6.27/* /usr/src/kernels/`uname -r`/drivers/usb/serial/

Patch the current usbserial.c with added layer to accomodate highspeed access argumentss

The patch file should be like this
************************************
61a62
> static ushort maxRSize, maxWSize, maxISize;
841a843,844
>         if (buffer_size < maxRSize)
>         buffer_size = maxRSize;
865a869,870
>         if (buffer_size < maxWSize)
>         buffer_size = maxWSize;
891a897,898
>             if (buffer_size < maxISize)
>             buffer_size = maxISize;
1260a1268,1273
> module_param(maxRSize, ushort, 0);
> MODULE_PARM_DESC(maxRSize, “User specified USB input buffer size”);
> module_param(maxWSize, ushort, 0);
> MODULE_PARM_DESC(maxWSize, “User specified USB output buffer size”);
> module_param(maxISize, ushort, 0);
> MODULE_PARM_DESC(maxISize, “User specified USB interrupt buffer size”);
************************************

Or you can download this patched file
Instead of building the whole kernel, lets just build the usbserial.ko kernel module

#make -C /lib/modules/`uname -r`/build M=/usr/src/kernels/`uname -r`/drivers/usb/serial/

Create a backup for the current usbserial.ko

#cp /lib/modules/`uname -r`/kernel/drivers/usb/serial/usbserial.ko /lib/modules/`uname -r`/kernel/drivers/usb/serial/usbserial.ko.backup

You will find a ztemt.ko in the /usr/src/kernels/`uname -r`/drivers/usb/serial/

copy this file to /lib/modules/`uname -r`/kernel/drivers/usb/serial/ and rename it to usbserial.ko

#cp /usr/src/kernels/`uname -r`/drivers/usb/serial/ztemt.ko /lib/modules/`uname -r`/kernel/drivers/usb/serial/usbserial.ko

Install the new usbserial kernel module like this

#depmod -a

Reboot to save changes.

#reboot

Now lets modprobe with added parameters

#modprobe usbserial vendor=0×19d2 product=0xfff1 maxRSize=12288 maxWSize=8192;sudo wvdial

Enjoy the highspeed access over 250 kbps ;)   Depending on the signal strength this goes upto 400kbps. Welcome hack!!

Have fun ;)

Installing reliance Broadband+ on fedora linux part one

September8

Recently I switched from (Zte MC 315+ )Reliance Netconnect connection to (Zte AC2726 ) Reliance Broadband+ plan. The transition was one of a bloggable experience hence the post.

The new device Zte AC2726 is a usb composite device which means at the same time it emulates as a usb cdrom device as well as usb evdo/cdma_1x(rtt_1x) modem. This is fairly simple to install in Windows Vista without the need of any cd. The device has the windows software listed in it and when plugged in prompts to install the setup needed else runs the application if already installed on the local syste. Quiet amazing.

Now lets put it back to older systems like Windows XP which dont have neccesary drivers for the usb composite device and go bananas trying to figure what it is. I tried updating my drivers through many available softwares Driver Detective, Driver Genius. All of em fail. Some which do recognize it ask for money. After spending Rs. 3500 on the device already. That was a no go. Bad bad support.

Now I wanted to try and make it work on Fedora. So I plugged in the device to see if it recognises it.

#lsusb

Output
**********************
Bus 001 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0002 Linux Foundation 2.0 root hub
Bus 005 Device 005: ID 19d2:fff5 ONDA Communication S.p.A.
Bus 005 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0001 Linux Foundation 1.1 root hub
Bus 004 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0001 Linux Foundation 1.1 root hub
Bus 003 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0001 Linux Foundation 1.1 root hub
Bus 002 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0001 Linux Foundation 1.1 root hub
**********************
End Output
#dmesg

**********************
Lists no ttyUSBx device but shows it as a cdrom
**********************

Lets make a switch which changes the usb cdrom mode to usb modem mode. For this we require usb_modeswitch. Lets install it.

#yum install usb_modeswitch

**********************
usb_modeswitch is installed
**********************

We know what to look for. So lets add these lines in usb_modeswitch.conf and uncommented and comment all other lines.

#vim /etc/usb_modeswitch.conf

**********************

########################################################
# ZTE AC2726 (EVDO)
#
# Contributor: Navin Dutta

DefaultVendor=  0×19d2
DefaultProduct= 0xfff5

TargetVendor=   0×19d2
TargetProduct=  0xfff1

MessageEndpoint=0×0a
MessageContent=”5553424312345678c00000008000069f010000000000000000000000000000″

**********************

Now lets make it switch.

#usb_modeswitch

**********************
Successful… msg sent
**********************

now lsusb to see if it got changed

#lsusb

Output
**********************
Bus 001 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0002 Linux Foundation 2.0 root hub
Bus 005 Device 005: ID 19d2:fff1 ONDA Communication S.p.A.
Bus 005 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0001 Linux Foundation 1.1 root hub
Bus 004 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0001 Linux Foundation 1.1 root hub
Bus 003 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0001 Linux Foundation 1.1 root hub
Bus 002 Device 001: ID 1d6b:0001 Linux Foundation 1.1 root hub
**********************
End Output

Yes it got changed from fff5 to fff1 which means from cdrom to modem mode

Now lets modprobe it

#modprobe usbserial vendor=0×19d2 product=0xfff1

Now lsusb or dmesg to see the if it gets detected

#dmesg

**********************

usbserial_generic: generic carrier detected
…..
…..
**********************

Now put ttyUSB0 in wvdial.conf

#vim /etc/wvdial.conf

**********************
[Dialer Defaults]
Modem = /dev/ttyUSB0
Init2 = ATQ0 V1 E1 S0=0 &C1 &D2 +FCLASS=0
Modem Type = Analog Modem
Phone=#777
Username=9xxxxxxxxx
Init1=ATZ
Password=9xxxxxxxxx
Baud=4608000
PPPP Path= /usr/sbin/pppd
New PPPD= 1
Stupid Mode = 1
Tonline = 0

**********************

#sudo wvdial

**********************
Gets connected. Voila!! I get an average speed of over 60kbps. Not bad.
**********************

Check the part two of this article for the kernel module hack for high speed access of over 250 kbps with the same device.

http://navindutta.com/wordpress/2009/09/installing-reliance-broadband-on-fedora-linux-part-two/

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