“The reports are here.”

Thats wat the message said. My legs went numb; the tips went cold. Nothing new I thought, may be its just the cold weather out there. Well, I have had my share of understandings & flawsophies and intutions; something that I have been trying escape from. Something which bears much more layers which am afraid to unravel, unmask.

Something is not right and I can sense it. The message somewhat added more asterisks to it; extrapolated my fear exponentially. Well, Its something I cant express. Yes, this has happened to me before and I dont want to go through it again. Almost like a film that you watch over and over. I dont know if its Deja vu or X Y Z but its something I would rather not get into. Not again. Yea this sounds so weird. Aint it. Well it is somewhat crazy. Strangely, this time it happened when I was in a totally different mood and in a totally different scenario; people giving their round of intros after the heritage walk; and it was my turn. I don’t know what I blabberd or what came out and how, but ever since then am wondering, why it happened to me. What is come? Am I just trying too hard to hear or is that am too much under the strain. Coz .. the message doesnt even say anything about the what the report says.

My granny has been ill for sometime now .. She is eighty five, if am not wrong.. With what I have seen her all my life I can tell ya she is the most harmless creature I have ever seen. She can do no bad to anyone.. Never ever killed an insect.. Yea.. she is religious and all the more spiritual. I appreciate her for her patience and concern for people around, with the best she can. The way she has kept our so big family together is something really commendable. Something which the women of today is not so capable of doing. Selfless offering. She has never ever meant harm to anyone, knowing or uknowingly.. I wonder why anyone like her, has to go through such bizzare extremes, such strains at this stage of her life. Today morning I got a call that somewhat confirmed it. The report says a lobe in her right lung is affected with cancer.

Is it all, already scripted plots we play. Is it just a puppet show where we live the helical circles and keep falling in the rabbit hole and in the mean time dream through so many expressions and feelings. Its like you suddenly realise, the life you seem to rule is nothing, nothing but a dream where the dream leads you; you dont lead, but then we are so happy to fool ourselves to think may be we are. And this happens most of the time. We bother not to get into useless yakking what we call it. Well, If this has occurred to you, you ll start wondering if you actually enjoy it or if the life you lived was even yours or not. If you could actually do anything to change it, or just be a part of it. Specially when it fast-forwards to the end; the so called end. I wonder why does it have to be so all the more painful. Its like if the god is watching us and the best we can do is to keep him entertained. Is it?

May be this is just a random musing or a phase of thoughts may be. What is it; well that am yet to decipher? Some wise men say Its our duty and we can do nothing more. Rather better to live it than waste your time fighting with answers. I dont know if that makes sense.